More Family Gane

Thanks so much, AB! 

I think I get it!  Yes, I do have to face my own demon, which definitely is wanting respect.  I regarded my financial conduct & choices as something deserving of respect by my family, & when I got something else, I was thrown into a tailspin.

Now I am aware that A) I don't need sis's respect.  B) My focus when with family should be on less personal matters. Keep the money discussions between husband & I. Thankfully, he & I are very much on the same page, & share many core values! C) Taking in these realizations will lessen my fear & make me less needy. I will then be less defensive & uptight.

I will try to become more aware of game playing. I can be so naive.  My husband says sister #2 is very street smart, & he says I am not at all.  Anyway, If I see a "game" starting, I will remember, "play it to lose."    

Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback & suggestions.  G

Dear G

"I used to do this with one of my relatives. She would get so ridiculous sometimes but I never tried to best her. After a while I really enjoyed what, at one time, was very painful for me because I ceased to take her comments as an attack. I began to think they were funny, then sad, and then my relative came down with dementia and isn’t that how these things tend to end. Why not love each other all along, nasty or demented."

Dear A. B.

I was touched by your experience & by your ultimate conclusion.  You obviously learned to handle the challenges gracefully.
 
"Why not love each other all along, nasty or demented?"  But that isn't the way it goes much of the time, is it?  Guess its ego. You let go of your ego & found love.  Earlier you remarked that family is a "sacred bond."  That's different from the popular notion that family is basically an accident that occurs!
If we don't like what we got, we needn't worry; we choose our friends! Then, we just create a new family!
 

Sincerely G

More Playing the Family Game

Dear A. B.

I keep reading your reply and know it's very rich.  Meaning is escaping me though. I'm trying hard to grasp it.  I know you are on to something big!

So, if I am playing a game, and my sisters are playing a game. What would the conversation have looked like if "love" had guided it, rather than game playing?  It's embarrassing that I don't seem to know what love is, or what love looks like!  I thought I was a loving person, but perhaps I am not. 

Also...I know you refer to "winning" fairly often in your writings, as in, "All you did here was win..."  I think sometimes I am confused by the way you use "win."

I read the Parodoxical Commandments.  They are amazing!  I have been on the receiving end many times of the first one... from you !

"People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway"

Thanks, AB!

G

Dear G.

Okay, I’ll try to be more specific. Start with:

She screamed, "You DO NOT have a $426,000 house! You paid $426,000 for it, but you knew you paid too much for it when you bought it."    "A house is worth what ever someone will pay for it," she sternly added.   

If you are in a family that wants to play the competitive game, the only way to interact with them is to play the game with them. But you can play the game to lose and it is much more interesting and you tend to take it less personally and can therefore feel more loving toward the family member who is fighting all by herself. You no longer feel like the target because you don’t think of her barbs as arrows, more like fun. This is playing the game where you are diffusing the aggressor, and when the arms stop punching, maybe you can move closer.

Possible answers:

Hang your head and say “I’m so ashamed, I shouldn’t have said it was more than it was worth. I was just trying to impress you."

Nasty comment by sister.

"I just want you make you proud of me."

Nasty comment by sister

"Well, I’ll keep trying to do better and then maybe you’ll love me."

If she takes you seriously she may wake up and feel bad for you. If she is still into winning and goes on to berate you. Let her berate you as long as she wants and answer her always in the one-down position until she runs out of steam. 

I used to do this with one of my relatives. She would get so ridiculous sometimes but I never tried to best her. After a while I really enjoyed what, at one time, was very painful for me because I ceased to take her comments as an attack. I began to think they were funny, then sad, and then my relative came down with dementia and isn’t that how these things tend to end. Why not love each other all along, nasty or demented.

You have to be careful playing this game because you can really get insulting if your one-down comments are coming from fear rather than love and the can end up as obvious sarcasm which would be really devastating a person you would rather love than beat at their own game.

And all along you will be facing your own demons of wanting revenge, or power or respect and will have to simply recognize your own flaws or they will corrupt your efforts to be close, and instead you will get very good at sarcasm.

 You don’t want to end up “winning” by “losing” because your real goal is to be close. The thing about sarcasm is that unlike outright insults there’s really no way to counter it except to call the person on “being sarcastic.” Sarcasm usually wins unless the person is smart enough to say, "well you’re just being sarcastic but that’s doesn’t mean I’m wrong," and then the argument can continue. 

One other warning. You may find playing the one-down position very painful at first. This pain is your repressed fear, and playing this game is one way you can get in touch with your own repressed fear. Just recognize it, and let it waft through you and the fear will finish itself. Love is your experience of yourself without so much repressed fear covering it over.

 A. B.

Stop Playing the "Game" of Family

Dear AB,

It’s all about money, isn’t it? As I shared before, your insights in the note you wrote recently really lifted my spirits and helped me get perspective. I'd like to tell you about the content of the troubling conversation.  This is LONG...If you don't have time to read...I understand.

I went over to the neighborhood where both my sisters live to see two open houses in their vicinity.  I wasn't sure why I was looking.  Guess I'm very curious about real estate and home values and what's "out there."  Maybe I just thought it would be fun. So the three "girls" & their husbands all went together.  It was a fun day.  Everyone seemed to enjoy looking around & discussing the features of the houses.

Later, at sister #1's house, I was asked by sister #2 why I was looking at houses in their city. I told her I didn't know, really.  Said I did like the character & charm the  houses in their area have. I previously owned an old house. Then again, I added, before I would seriously make a move, I'd have to carefully look at the numbers with the decline in value of my house,

Since the economic downturn, I've lost equity in my current house.  I told her that by the time I paid my agent’s commission & paid the bank what I owed it, I could pay cash for the cheaper of the two houses we looked at.  But, I added, that would be like trading a $426,000 house for a $249,000 house.  Well...that's when she went nuts.  She screamed, "You DO NOT have a $426,000 house! You paid $426,000 for it, but you knew you paid too much for it when you bought it."  "Yes," I agreed, "true, it is not worth that now, you are right."  "A house is worth what ever someone will pay for it," she sternly added.   

It went round & round like this.  I shouldn't have shared my details, I realize that now. Lesson learned! I just assumed that merely stating that I needed to be responsible and prudent and that I wanted to pay off my bills would be met with a nod of the head.    Instead, when I said I was just trying to be responsible, I was told  "No, you're not ...you need to loosen up."

When we do home improvements we don't go get a "home equity loan."  If we can't pay cash, we don't do the project.  We don't have credit card debt.  Both our cars are paid for.  I try my best not to use other people's money!

I thought family always wanted the best for its members.  I'm the youngest.  Thought they'd be proud of me for not wildly spending, for beig prudent. 

 I do think my sisters would like me better if I were more like my niece,  who is wasteful and spends whatever she has. They seem to think she can do no wrong!  G.

Dear G,

It's not all about money. It's all about love. The point is not to get your sisters to like you. The point is to for you to get to the place where you can love them, regardless of their obvious flaws (we all have them.) Love isn't a game. Family relationships are a game if you are in survival mode all the time by having to be the winner (being uptight)--the game is usually about being one up or one down--much competition going on. So what?

See if you can't transcend the "game of family" and see family for what it really is, a sacred bond that we are lucky to have. Annoying yes, foolish yes, antagonizing yes. So what? If you don't try to be the winner, maybe they won't be so competitive in having to put you down.

Read the Paradoxical Commandments on my website.

We have to grow up sometime. I  know sometimes you want to be able to let your hair down and brag, and complain, and find someone who cares about what you are feeling or suffering at the moment. You have to seek this out usually in a best friend of some kind. Your sisters can't be this for you because they are stuck in playing the "game." You are not going to unstick them by beating them at the game.

Love is the only thing that works and if that is all you end up with, love for others, it's not a bad place. Remember, love is not something we get or give, it's something we ARE. A. B. Curtiss

 

Nobody Likes to Feel "Put Down"

Dear AB,

Ever since you introduced the love/fear issue years ago, I have tried to get to know how my motivations pivot around these two forces. As you have said often, it is not easy to discern.  Sometimes I wonder if I ever get it right.

Last week I spent a day w/ my two older sisters that ended on an unpleasant note.  I felt insulted,
demeaned and was spoken to harshly by one of them.   She seemed exasperated, annoyed, condescending, as if she were talking to a child who couldn't understand 1+1=2. My other sister & my niece jumped in now & then, agreeing with my other sister.

In the final analysis, her "argument" had truth to it.  The way it was presented  put me on the defensive though.  Instead of saying, "Yes, it's both and..." I dug in my heels and emphasized my side of the story. Both of us presented truth, however.

The only clarity, for me, lies in each moment. Am I now proceeding out of love of something, or out of fear...

In the moment, however, I got lost.  I felt like my head was spinning.  Surely my blood pressure went up.  I felt attacked. The atmosphere felt unkind. I didn't see this coming, especially since the issue at hand, the very thing I felt criticized about, was a point of intense pride for me.
I couldn't believe that anyone, particularly a relative, could actually be so negative regarding my approach. Someone might say, "It's great that you do that, but don't forget this..."  Instead, I was bombarded in essence, with, "You should be doing this.  You need to think like this. The way you are approaching the matter is missing the whole point."

It has taken days for me to let go of this.  I still haven't, really. The first two days I felt aches & pains in my body, & was very, very sad.  It seemed to lift on Wednesday, then Thursday, the first thing I thought of upon waking was the "incident."  All day I dragged on. 

This morning I read your letter to Z, and realized that I must be entrenched in a lot of fear--fear of losing love, respect, good standing in my family. Also:  fear of notbeing able to stand on my own two feet;  fear of being "bamboozled." I didn't see this "attack" coming, & it has bothered (frightened) me that I lost my ability to thinkclearly  & to speak well on my behalf. I didn't lose my temper or cry, but I also didn't present my thoughts very well. I wasn't capable of holding my own.  I was steam-rolled.

How do we stay present in such charged moments?  How do we find the ability to act, instead of react?

The day had gone so well, then boom!  I felt so surprised.  Perhaps it is smarter to
expect that this sort of thing can always unfold.

G

Dear G,

It happens to all of us to one extent or another all the time. The "other" often comes from fear and anger. Even when it isn't directed at us, it isn't very pleasant.

What can we do? 

We do what we can to keep upright and bobbing along when people knock us over. Sometimes we have a good comeback but even then, we just win. Our small triumph of the moment doesn't necessarily draw us any closer which is what we all really want.

I had a conversation with a good friend the other day about unions. She said some of her friends were protesting the fact that people wanted to privatize the Post Office and she thought it was terrible when the people who worked for the Post Office had good pay, good benefits and good pensions as a government agency.

"But," I ventured, "the Post Office is losing money."

"Oh," she waved her hand dismissively, "I'm not going to talk about politics." 

I felt momentarily the annoyance of being "put down." I remained silent, listening to her finish. Later I thought of a few comebacks like "So you only want a monologue, not a dialogue." or "I'm not talking politics, I'm talking economics." It seemed so ridiculous to me to demand that the Post Office remain open for the benefit of the workers when the agency was losing money and the money to pay the workers and all their benefits was going to have to come from the taxpayers and thus be borrowed from China! 

People come from such different places it's a wonder we find anyplace to meet.

Maybe it helps to realize that the only thing we have to share with each other is our stories. So, in a way, Life is just listening to one another. And, of course, it hurts when people don't want to hear "our" story, they just want to tell their own. An old saying comes to mind, "Every dog has his day." And obviously that was not your day, nor mine.  A. B. Curtiss


Thank you, AB. 

Your reply makes so much sense, and I feel much better after reading it.

Thanks for sharing your "post office" story.  I hear you! 

Maybe it helps to realize that the only thing we have to share with each other is our stories. So, in a way, Life is just listening to one another. And, of course, it hurts when people don't want to hear "our" story, they just want to tell their own. 

Beautifully said, AB!  You say so much in so few words. 

Sincerely,

G

Thanks, G, and one more thing. Go to my depression website click on Truly Inspiring and read the Paradoxical Commandments and the Desiderata again. We need to keep reminding ourselves about our essential  human condition. A. B

I Loved Your Book Children of the Gods

Hi AB,

I just wanted you to know that I finished reading your book Children of the Gods and loved it.  I was enchanted by the rich poetic rhythms, its wisdom and knowledge.  I went to amazon.com to write a review and for the first time in my life I was unable to do so. I lost the review 3 TIMES!  It just vanished from the screen and I had no way to bring it back. 

It was discouraging as it had been quite lyrical and heartfelt, but there was no way for me to remember all I had written.  I felt bad for awhile, but I thought that after having it vanish 3 TIMES! I should just accept it wasn't meant to be.  I then checked in with my intentions.  I saw they were honest and honorable (I gave it 5 stars).  But then as I sent my mind out in your direction I got a feeling there was a blockage there, some vibe from you that was unconsciously preventing me from writing a good review for you. 

As we are all in charge of our own destinies, I realized that there was no way I could have lost my supportive words without your cooperation.  No blame here.  I myself was feeling some anger toward a world that ignores needed truths and the people who write about them.  And, of course, aside from you and me, there is always the possibility of a "higher force" that came into play in the sudden, unexplained disappearance of my complimentary review! 

I may try later on to recreate the review, but you can imagine, being a writer yourself, as I am, how disheartening it is to lose what you have written, especially when it was really good!  I am no stranger to self-sabotage, and perhaps I am only recognizing my own experience in you, but in any event I wanted you to know what had happened and to tell you that your poetry is quite wonderful and your book should be read aloud across the land.  Best to you,

Z

Dear Z,

Thanks so much for your letter. Maybe it wasn't a higher force, maybe it was a lower force. As the old saying goes, if you tell the truth, you'll be kicked out of six villages. The wise man is not necessarily being kicked out because of a higher force at work. There is always a tussle between light and darkness, between love and fear, in the human world.

I know what you mean, though, about finally deciding it wasn't to be. Sometimes I, too, doubt whether or not I should continue to go forward if my efforts are met with failure so many times in a row. What is the correct answer, I ask myself? Am I supposed to quit or persevere?  The problem with this line of thinking is that there is never a clear or right answer in the way of coming to a conclusion because one cannot know Truth as an object. One can only be the truth..

Or as Joel Goldsmith so aptly put it, "You cannot arrive at Truth through the reasoning process."  The only clarity, for me, lies in each moment. Am I now proceeding out of love of something, or out of fear of something? This is not easy either, because it is not easy to figure that out. However, making the effort to figure it out, it seems to me, is being on the right path.  

 A. B. Curtiss

Your DECISION is the KEY to it all.

This is a further continuation of a conversation which began on Feb 13th

Dear A. B.

Thank you so much for your response. I'm still in that tentative state right now. Trying to make that switch from being fascinated with my inability to think clearly or even make rational thought process's to a more positive forward action. I guess I can't figure out how I'm making it. I believe God has something to do with that. 

 Your words ring true to me. I believe that my focus right now is on a whole bunch of solutions that I think will work to save me from myself and my own torturous thinking. The only problem is that they are all just thoughts and ideas. I don't do anything. Even right now I am just frozen. I want to do something. Something helpful and positive but all I can think about is the bajillion things that I can't seem to remember but that I know I need to do. 

I finally sat down and remembered that I wanted to email you back. That's something positive. It's just so hard because it seems like this happens everyday. I want some consistency and hope. I do feel that that this isn't permanent but I just want to feel some peace. Is that possible? I'm going to order that book you mentioned, A whole new life. I may order that other one about the paradoxical commandments as well. Thanks for you time. -T

Dear T

The Paradoxical Commandments and the Desiderata are just one-page pieces of wisdom. You can get them both on my depression website. Click on "Truly Inspirational."

It seems to me that you have not yet made a strong permanent decision that any negative thought is pointless and that you will, from this day hence refuse to think one as soon as you realize it has popped up; and that, from now on, you will only think productive or positive thoughts or, if that is not possible at the moment, do thought-jamming mind tricks/and or physical activity until you can transition from your anxious worry, over to a productive or more positive thought, or some productive physical activity or behavior.

It is a decision that one must make proactively. Your DECISION  is the KEY to it all. 

Remember that the primal mind, the subcortex triggers on its own, it is a human instinct. But the higher mind, the neocortex must be activated, on purpose, by you, or it will not necessarily function. It MAY jump into action as a result of random neural thought patterns that work by learned association and happen to work in your favor and turn away from the direction of depessive thinking rather than in the direction of depression. Remember the fact the the brain works by learned association and the brain follows the direction of the most current dominant thought is the reason depression is cyclical and always ends at some point. Learned association means it is in the very nature of depression to end. But we can, with mind tricks, cause this learned association to work faster and have depression end sooner which we want, rather than later, which we hate. 

This is the reason for the piece of ancient wisdom that "man is not forced to function from instinct alone, as are animals, he may choose to function from reason. This is freedom of the will which animals do not possess. They can be trained but they cannot make a decision to override their instincts. But the other important part of freedom of the will is that man is not forced to function from reason either. He has the choice to choose reason or simply float around in his emotions and instincts and let random learned associations decide the train of his thought.

It does help to have faith and hope as well that there is help for you. Do some thought-jamming and then look around and just do the next thing that is in your surround. Put away a book, pick up a paper, do the dishes. Hope and faith is rooted in the reality that there is always a next thing. Existence never leaves you without some small bit of thinking or some small task you can do.

Peace does not come from anxious thinking or non-activity. Peace is the result of your moving away from anxious thinking. The smallest positive thing you do turns you 180 degrees away from the negative because you are now headed in the opposite direction. You can build on that. The cornerstone of your building is decision. The decision that Marcus Aurelius made that “I will cling to nothing else but reason alone. 

You made a temporary, specific decision to email me. That is good. But you haven't made a permanent general decision to refuse to think a negative thought. This is like the difference between refusing to drink alcohol Wednesday night as opposed to henceforth giving up alcohol  forever, period.

A. B. Curtiss

Chronic Pain

Another book for anyone dealing with chronic pain. Reynolds Price A Whole New Life is based on his coming to terms with unstoppable pain due to treatments that cured his cancer of the spine but left him in constant pain that no amount of drugs could alleviate. A. B.