It's been two months since I’ve returned to work full time, and to be honest my depression and anxieties are worsening. My work performance is low as I have a hard time focusing and I’m starting to get in trouble at work. Today is the second time I’m calling in sick (last week too). I try all the brain switching or direct thinking exercises but I don't succeed. I feel like I’m falling apart again.
I know you‘ll say just don’t think those thoughts. The depression is getting worse as I'm starting to have death ideation, not that I would take my own life but wishing for an acceptable exit like accidents.
Thank you always, Y________
It seems as if you have had some success. In two months there have been only two days you have not been up to getting up and doing your job, not two months like before.You are not without some track record of proving yourself capable of discipline. What kind of trouble are you getting into at work? What keeps you from concentrating on your job? You don't have to give up on yourself as if you can't do your life.
I don't know why it is harder to think something other than to think your depression. That is just the way our brains are made. But we can make new places in our brain wherein we can take some small refuge and momentary peace from our pain, and dammit, we can even dare to think goody, goody and goody for that. A. B. Curtiss
Thank you for your reply and comments. It's true I have used courage and discipline to go to work for the past two months so I should give myself credit - but it's more just the showing up part and rather pretending to do work. There is so much detailed work, needing to pay attention to details that I have a difficulty doing.
The minute I get to a task, it's panic because a) I either don't know how to do it in a productive way or b) it's so much work --- I ask around but I can't understand what people are saying so need to ask for a lot of repetition. I can really tell my brain function is lower than before. I'm missing deadlines, my assistant complained that I’m disorganized in giving her work, my boss complained that my progress is too slow and affecting the whole team.
All day at work for the past 2 months I've been fighting that feeling of wanting to run away and not face work-- but I've used will and tried to follow through with my commitments.
Objectively I can see how my thoughts are messed up -- but hopes of making progress going back to work seem not to be working, and I think that is what is making me discouraged about the future - that I'll never get better ( though I KNOW this is a thought I’m choosing, right? )
I wish I could be like you and honor the life I’ve been given and help people - it must be such a good feeling. I don't know why all my efforts are paying off.
Thank you again for listening.
Be careful that you don't try to escape the difficulty of your work by taking refuge in depression. This would be a natural thing to do and you want to guard against it. It is human nature for our mind, our natural defense mechanism, to think it is "saving" us by guarding us from risking ourselves in effort that might change our "status quo." The mind knows that so far we have been "safe" and survived in depression. The mind is naturally fearful of what would happen if we were to face our difficulties. Face the difficulty of work instead of sliding into depression so you don't have to face the difficulties which are always harder to to than depression. A. B.