Welcome to my Blog

Monday, October 4, 2010

What do you Mean, Intense Depression?

Dear A.B.,

I was very encouraged by your post today.   It was extremely encouraging to see how much you were suffering, yet you were able to overcome it, and make the depression go away.   When this intense depression hits, what thoughts overwhelm you?  As I still struggle to brainswitch, I use to think that perhaps what you call depression is a different sort from what I go through, because you seem to succeed each time with brainswitch.  I suffer from intense and very dark depression thoughts - I'm a failure, I ll forever be like this, I should just end it,I don't want to face the day, I'm weak...etc; so I wonder what exactly you mean when you say "intense depression hit you"

Also what do you think explains why you still continue to get these symptoms from time to time?  As for me, in my sleep and in my dreams, (I have a lot of vivid dreams ) I'm never depressed, I’m my normal self, which is one of the reasons sleep has been my escape after I get back from work.

Nonetheless, thank you for sharing with us your experience.  It was very encouraging to know that you really do know and understand what a lot of us go through, and continue to care and support all of us.  I truly admire your spirit. 

All the best, Y_______

Dear Y______

I just suffer from the physical symptoms of depression. I do not suffer from thoughts like "I'm a failure," or "I'm worthless," or "life isn't worth living" or "I'm done for" because I know, while I'm having them, that they are irrational thoughts and I should think other thoughts instead of them. The thoughts I can get out of almost immediately. I absolutely refuse to think them by the method of thinking other thoughts instead of the depressive thoughts. Usually I use nonsense thoughts or nursery rhymes just to block the irrational negative thoughts from "air time." I never use positive affirmations at this time because since the brain works by learned association, the positive thoughts could trigger their negative.

But the physical pain in my chest, difficulty of breathing, takes longer to get rid of. I have to be able to bear the pain long enough for the chemistry to change, usually about twenty minutes, while is also employ mind tricks to distract me from the pain. I do bear the pain and just tough it out because I also know at the same time that this will end shortly. I do not fear my being helpless in the face of my depression. I feel quite capable of taking care of it whenever it hits.
As to why I still get hit with depression. I think that nightmares while I’m asleep can trigger the fight or flight response and dump stress chemicals in my brain which later on that same night turns into depression. And because I spent so many years being a chronically depressed person with episodes that sometimes lasted months at a time, I also think I built such a strong neural pattern of depression that it exists as a complete syndrome in my brain and can be triggered off by learned association any time. If it is triggered while I’m awake, I can usually catch it in the beginning phase and it is not so bad. However, if it has a chance to really get going while I’m asleep, I can wake to a real doozy. That’s the bad news. The good news is that I can get rid of it anytime it occurs.

As to what thoughts overwhelm me. There might be thoughts in my brain that momentarily shock or hurt me when they happen to pop up.. But there aren’t any thoughts that have the power to overwhelm me because I understand, on a very core level, that I am not my thoughts and my thoughts are not more powerful than my decision whether to think them or not. I know there are different types of thinking, like on-purpose thinking or accidental, passive thinking and that any thoughts which are disturbing to me usually come from accidental, passive thinking and are not necessarily connected to present reality. 

I may have a thought that "nothing is worth anything" or  "why bother" but if I find my thoughts disturbing, I decide immediately if that thought is a rational one to be acted upon, or a negative thought to be ignored. I can toss any thought around or ignore it. There is no thought strong enough to toss me around against my will.  A. B. Curtiss

1 comment:

Eric Berg Pain Magic said...

Thanks for sharing your letter its so inspiring for those who read on it.