For English class, we are writing essays on a topic of our choice. I decided to write mine on Depression and whether it is a true mental disease or a state of mind that results from weak will and negative thoughts and actions. This is a topic I am very curious and sensitive towards, and came across your website during research and I was wondering if I could get your input on a few things.
My mom is clinically depressed, and quite frankly I just don't understand.
About 2-3 years ago, she was admitted into a mental hospital for depression and for being 'mentally unstable'. She remained in mental hospitals for a year (she was switched into state hospitals after a few weeks). My dad rarely took us to see her, and I don't blame him. I still can remember the way it felt and the way things looked when I entered into that building. It's something I will never forget. They tried countless medications and did brain shocks and all sorts of stuff that did nothing but turn her into a 'vegetable'. She became like the exoskeleton of a bug. On the outside she looked like a normal person, but on the inside she seemed completely empty.
Now, she is currently back in the hospital and they have threatened to put her back into the state hospital if she doesn't 'get herself under control'.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset or angry at my mother. In a way, I resent her for leaving me and my sisters so many times to fend for ourselves. The worst part about it is that she doesn't know how angry I really feel. Quite frankly, I'm afraid to let her know.
She once asked me if I was angry and for some reason I just couldn't force myself to answer-that only made it worse. She took my silence as a yes and started to cry and blame me. She said I had no right being angry.
One of my biggest fears is that one day my mom will do something serious that will affect my whole family (not that what she does now doesn't). I don't want to lose my mom to a battle I know she could win if she tried. What really upsets me the most is that she does not see the damage she is causing in the relationships between herself and her family. I am the middle child of five. I have two older sisters and two younger sisters. I worry about my younger sisters the most. At this point, at sixteen, I have learned how to move on and manage my life around her problems when she is here and when she isn't, but my little sisters haven't. They need her.
So I guess here are a few of the many questions I have:
1. Is it wrong for me to be mad at my mother? Is she right in the statement that I have no right to be angry? Is this really something she cannot control (she doesn't have any unbalanced chemicals or anything like that)?
2. In one word how would you best describe depression?
3. If someone asked you in less than one minute explain to me the best you can what depression is and why you think it is choice, what would you say?
4. Will my mom most likely be like this for the rest of my life? If so, will she ever be able to have a normal relationship with me?
5. How will this most likely affect me and my younger sisters as we continue to grow up with a mom who is never quite 'there' (physically and mentally)?
I appreciate you taking the time to read this, and I hope that you will be able to provide me with a little more knowledge about this 'sickness' that is slowly becoming my mom. I hope to be able to buy your book when I save up enough money! Do you sign books?
I wish you the best of success in all your endeavors,