I've learned so much over the years from your books, blog, and e-mails. I find myself in a place, (perhaps, hopefully.. a turning point?) I am trying to sort out, again, how to live well and wisely, how to be a good person. (Oh, how frustrated and annoyed you must feel when youread yet another bit of correspondence from a confused and scattered "me!").
Please realize that your gifts of wisdom and your wise and wonderful teachings have NOT been all for nothing, even for this thick-headed person. I have so appreciated your gifts! Can we learn a lot and yet have lapses that take us further behind than where we began? That's what I feel has happened to me...but I am trying to rebuild.
As I review your writings, the essence of your teachings seems to be the supremely positive power of love, and the destructive force thatfear exercises. I know you speak about a love that is unconditional...not a "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" counterfeit varietythat is really only manipulation, need gratification.
Do I have a "need," I wonder, to perpetuate a "victim role?" I seem to cling to such a mindset as though it has a narcotic effect on me, and this prevents me from truly loving. I stay tethered to thoughts and behaviors that are fear-based and destructive. Self-absorbtion has grownlike a cancer within me in recent years. I feel small and stuck.
I know it doesn't matter the circumstances over the past years that have "lead" me here.
I want to move in a direction guided by love instead of resentment, bitterness, sadness, and feeling "victimized." I want to stop the madness . One can not think clearly or live well entrenched in self-absorbtion.
Indeed I have suffered from my husband's callous, insensitive treatment for years. I have also felt "walked over" and "manipulated" by a neighbor who has been on a campaign to make me feel "less than." But here's the rub: my belief in my goodness depends on mybelief in their "badness" doesn't it? Ultimately, my focus on their mistreatment takes me off track from being my most loving self. It's a petty quest indeed, for superiority and "worth!" Where's the love?
Ugh...A.B.! I want out! Help me out of this crazy trap!
Would you... again, shed some light, offer some words to wake me up?
I will be 50 this Sunday. Is it too late?