There is a Big Difference between Thinking and Being

Dear Curtiss,


Sometimes I just feel okay with normal attitude and no fear and perform all tasks easily. I really do not understand why I have fear most time and axtream anexiety.

Regards, R


Dear R,

Think of how much better you are doing than a couple of years ago when you felt bad all the time.

The trick is to turn away, immediately, from any thoughts that you are feeling anxious and fearful and you must insist on thinking more productive thoughts. Fill your mind with productive thoughts, with interest in what you are doing. with interest in and thus thinking about others (loved ones, work colleagues, even people you pass on the street). Interconnect and re-engage with others.

Consider all the life around you--the trees, the clouds, the hills. When you re-connect there is less opportunity for those old self-absorbed, habitual, fearful, and anxious neural patterns that you have built in your brain to think themselves at your expense. You have to ignore the fear in your belly and center your energy in your heart. Your heart won't let you down. Your heart is the passageway to connecting with others as well as connecting yourself to your own being.

Fear and anxiety and all the agony of it, is a thinking process that clouds over your being. There is a big difference between thinking and being. You are a human being not a human thinking. The way to get to your being is to bring your consciouness, your awareness more from your head down to your heart. Or from your churning belly up to your heart. Right now, put your right hand over your heart, bow your head, even bow the knees if you are alone, and feel the immediate comfort and healing that takes place.Your heart is your center, the door to your being. A. B. Curtiss

Again, we can't get to Truth through the reasoning process because we are non-different from Truth

Hi A.B.!


I was so happy to see the last post on your blog!

I liked what you added about the Law of Attraction. I've been reading about that recently! "We don't attract what we want, we attract what we are." I appreciate that clear, concise pointer. Thanks.

I've been reading more about non-duality across disciplines. Growing familiar with Buddhist writings & with the Vedas of Hinduism-the Upanishads & the Bhagavad Gita, with Taoism, Lao-Tzu's writings. Also, from my own tradition, Christian--Thomas Merton, St. John of the Cross, Evelyn Underhill, Saint Teresa of Avila, and today's Cynthia Bourgeault & Richard Rohr are wonderful teachers. Of course, the amazing work of Joel Goldsmith is a rich resource. I just read a book by William Samuel which reminded me a bit of JG.

In Rohr's new book, Immortal Diamond, there is a chapter called "If it is True, it is True Everywhere." He talks about how across the disciplines- biology, physics, psychology, the arts, theology and all through nature, and all through spirituality, the same truth asserts itself. If it is true, it will be seen everywhere!

I know that you studied in India, have a background in science, have the soul of a poet, and a deep spirituality. I think you are the perfect person to ask--when you discovered all was illusion, or maya, was that uplifting or challenging, or a little of both? Do you find you have a sense of play with the world of form now...as opposed to taking it all so seriously? That could be uplifting.

I am not at all a math or science person, but through some writing geared toward lay people, I've gathered striking common threads regarding the essential nature of all of creation. “As above so below.” This describes perfectly the fractal and holographic nature of not only the universe but the human body as well. Each cell contains all of the DNA information necessary to create an identical copy of the whole organism.

The same can be said for fractals and holograms, in each part the whole is contained. Break a holographic image in half and you do not get half of the image, you get a smaller version of the whole. The universe including all life forms sentient or non-sentient and non living substances conform to the fractal nature of reality. Changes in any level of the system effects the structure of the whole.

It's been determined that subatomic particles can manifest either as,

• a wave function

• as a particle

Furthermore it was discovered that the action of measuring or observing the particles seemed to be the key in the collapse of the wave function. The observer caused the wave function, which generated an interference pattern, to become a physical particle simply by measuring it.
So...there is a role which consciousness or observation plays in the behavior of subatomic particles!

With regard to holographic reality,

• consciousness is the energy source

• your DNA is the receiver

Even what we perceive as solid objects are all manifestations of wave energy forms.

So solid objects, or our perception of them as solid, is an illusory interpretation of varying frequencies by our DNA and brain.

From the Bhagavad Gita: The perfectly peaceful Absolute is not different from the playful universe. They are simply not two realities. Nor are they two dimensions of the same reality. They are not even two perspectives. Not two! Absolutely not two!

I would love to hear about your experience with this. There is a world beyond thought. Pure awareness. We are That.

Driven by the forces of love, the fragments of the world seek each other so that the world may come to being.

~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin



Dear G,

You wrote: "The perfectly peaceful Absolute is not different from the playful universe." I think it would be more understandable if you said. "The world is non-different from the Absolute." I think saying non-different is more clear than not different. You can have two things that are not different but to be non-different implies interconnectedness. This is also why we can't get to the Truth through the reasoning process. For the reasoning process to work, we have to be the objective observer of something. We can't be the objective observer of what we are non-different from.

One can overwhelm the brain with trying to figure things out. Is it to no end? Absolutely not. Many wonderful things for our comfort have come from studying and understanding the physical environment and inventing things like cars, television, electric lights. When power goes out we remember how much we appreciate hot water, hot soup, television and lights to read by.

But the physical realities are not the way to a spiritual relationship with the Absolute.

Many wise men have been gained wisdom that they can pass down to us by eschewing the “workaway world” in favor of meditation.

It is also true that many human beings live without these technological advances and derive joy from the light of their campfire and their entertainment by songs and watching the stars. And all human beings crave the company of their fellows. And all humans crave love and respect from their fellows.

So does this mean we should turn away from our comforts, cease to interact with our high tech society? To dwell on the marvel of these things and to enjoy them, in a way, is to honor our creator by celebrating the life he has given us. It will not last forever. Man is mortal and all his works are ephemeral. Shall we use that as an excuse to dismiss it all?

Which would be impossible since we are non-different from everything that is. You can say that human life (the physical world) is both really apparent and apparently real. It is really apparent because it exists for a time but it is only apparently real because it does not last forever. 

In the end, I believe in being practical in a workaday world sense. In the workaday world It is love that saves us, love that guides us and love that we are made of. When in doubt, do the loving thing. When in fear, ask for grace. And we can always hold each other’s hand when crossing a dangerous street.

 Perhaps a poem by the poet Milton will help explain what I mean.

Milton’s Sonnet on his Blindness


When I consider how my light is spent,

Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,

And that one talent which is death to hide

Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

My true account, lest He returning chide;

"Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?"

I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent

That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need

Either man's work or His own gifts. Who best

Bear His mild yoke, they serve Him best. His state

Is kingly: thousands at His bidding speed,

And post o'er land and ocean without rest;

They also serve who only stand and wait."

The Real Law of Attraction: We don't attract what we want, we attract what WE ARE

Hi A.B.!

I hope you are happy & well these days.

In the past months my spiritual path has led me to experience more present moment awareness, and awareness of the non-duality inherent in all creation. We are all connected; united by the same divine spark.

I have moments of experiencing that oneness with all... & I feel such peace. Then there are days when my ego is tugging me to notice how separate I am...mostly this manifests in extreme feelings of inferiority regarding my looks. Some days I feel like such a gargoyle. Seems others don't want to talk to me, that they feel turned off due to my appearance. My thoughts spiral into negative territory.

It's more than fine that no one thinks I'm gorgeous or hot anymore. What troubles me is that I feel isolated, left out, disconnected.

I do my best everyday to put my best foot forward. I wear makeup, do something with my hair (which now has a few streaks of gray), wear flattering colors, pretty sweaters or tops, a scarf or jewelry. While I'm not in top shape, I'm not a heavy person. In other words, I don't think I'm that hideous when I walk out the door.

Once a woman's beauty fades does looking "upscale" become what drives the good opinion of others? Is this why women get designer clothes & handbags, big diamond rings, & drive status cars? In the absence of beauty & youth can we only make an impact wearing our bank account on our sleeves?

Sorry for sounding so negative. I've had some bad days with this. Today was a real "gargoyle" kind of day. Something's got to change in my head about this! It's so ridiculous but powerful at the same time. I'm getting so that I dread leaving the house some days (but I still march forward!).

Thanks for any insight you are willing to share.
G

Dear G,

Thoughts of our unworthiness are thoughts that come to every human being. Too many people try to drown these thoughts and the feelings they engender in drugs or drink because they are extremely painful. Fear is a painful thing and these thoughts are an extension our our existential fear. At some level we sense that we are very fragile creatures set in a chaotic and often hostile world over which we have no real control.

So what is the answer to our fear? First we must recognize it for what it is. A negative, painful thought that we should not pursue. And we should accept it for what it is. A negative, painful thought that we should not pursue.

We should instead turn our thoughts to something more productive and positive. Tell ourselves that we have put ourselves into stress, fight or flight mode by entertaining such unwholesome thoughts and perhaps some deep breathing and relaxation might help return us to some kind of equilibrium. Pursuing this painful thinking just makes our mood depressive and despondent. It also isolates us from the real world we share with our fellow man. We should do what we can to reconnect with this world. Go to a movie, call a friend for lunch, take a walk or run, do some exercise.

There is no arguing ourselves out of this painful place with logic or cognitive thinking. Remember, it was Joel Goldsmith who said, “We cannot get to Truth through the reasoning process. We must distract ourselves (once we have accepted that we are in a temporarily painful place). Drown the thoughts temporarily with some nursery rhyme or nonsense word just to break the thought pattern. Try some relaxation exercises because our bodies at such a time are all tensed up and that it part of the pain.

Then try to re-engage with the regular workaday world somehow. Just a walk around the neighborhood, a friendly word from a passerby, or a clerk in a store is helpful. We must be proactive to get out of this "slough of despond." In an earlier era such thinking was thought to be a sin. It probably is a sin. It's just so easy to feel bad. We must bestir ourselves to feel better little by little. This is an important understanding which is so simple it is difficult to grasp.

THE REAL LAW OF ATTRACTION: We do not attract what we want (good thoughts, good feelings, good life), we attract WHAT WE ARE. You have to think about this until it seeps into your understanding. You cannot change your life without changing your thoughts. Good thoughts lead to good thoughts, to a good life, period. There is no other way to a good life except through your own thinking.

Sometimes is helps to substitute Emil Coue's mantra for the nasty thinking. "Every day in every way I'm getting better and better. Every day in every way I am choosing more positive, wholesome thoughts and soon my mind will no longer dwell on these terrible negative thoughts."

Small chores are sometimes a good distraction. And remember. The smallest step in the right direction turns us 180 degrees around from going in the wrong direction.

Let us not be a drag on humanity. Let us relax our tense selves, drag ourselves out of the despondency by turning away from it and saying a prayer for those others who may be in such a state and whom we may somehow help by simply helping ourselves. A. B. Curtiss

Dear A. B.

Thanks so much!

Yes, it always is the answer to turn to a positive thought, isn't it? My fear is a mental construction...you can't touch, taste or smell it...it is not real. I might as well think a more uplifting thought than "Here I am, in the middle of Target, looking like a gargoyle." I could think "Here I am lucky to be shopping in Target!"

I do practice this-

"... saying a prayer for those others who may be in such a state

and even in the middle of Target, that may not be a bad idea either!

With gratitude, G

Dear G.

You have put the concept very well. Don’t forget, you can always ask for the Grace that allows you to think better thoughts. A. B. Curtiss

Just say "YES"

Hi A.B.!




Yes, it is easy to be philosophical about adversity when we are not

in the midst of it. On the same thread, someone quoted Buddhist

master Thich nat Hanh. The quote was very popular, & many

said they'd like to keep it pinned up where they could see it. Below is

the quote & my response, which received no replies. I felt it was important

to note that we don't always immediately have the capacity to be serene. We

needn't judge ourselves as spiritual flunkies for experiencing

a full range of emotions. While we don't need to cling to pain, for

a while we may need to let it be...trusting it's all grist for the mill

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm but being at peace during the storm."

Ginger's response:

"Yes, this is a lovely, poetic way to describe being present to what is- allowing, not resisting the Now, in Whatever form it presents.

And...if we find ourselves unable to accept the storm, and fear, not a sense of peace, comes up for us in the midst of it, we can have compassion for ourselves & accept that too. Then, we have still created a space for presence. We have accepted our unacceptance!"   Ginger

Dear Ginger,

You have said something very important here. Accepting our unacceptance. It is a good ploy to keep going back to the first thing you can say "yes" to in the way of self-acceptance. It is a way of being loving to ourselves.

We are usually much too hard on ourselves. By going to the first thing you can say "yes" to you will make it clear to yourself, #1, in what ways you have been being negative, and #2, that you can turn a negative situation around. This way, no matter how negative you get on yourself you can keep accepting your own negativity and in so doing, recharge yourself from negative to positive. When you are in a positive mode that is much closer to love than the negative. We always want to head for the positive, for love, for acceptance, for life.

Saying "Yes" connects us. "Saying No" separates us. Your mind can get very tricky about semantics. The mind will say something like "but you have to say "no" to bad things, don't you? Not necessarily. Instead of saying "no" to something bad, you can do the loving switch and just say "yes" to something good. Just remember Joel Goldsmith's warning. You can't get to truth through the reasoning process. Which is another way of saying you can't perceive truth as an object. You can BE the truth, but you can't KNOW the truth. Truth and love are the same. You can't KNOW love. You can BE love by loving..

That's why the positive, loving path is always the direction to head. Another thing to remember, the tiniest baby step in the RIGHT direction turns you 180 degrees around from going in the negative direction! The tiniest positive baby step is more powerful than the most giant negative step. This is how redemption and recovery is always possible. A. B.

How I Survived My Wife"s Battle With Cancer

Hi,


I came across your blog and really identified with some of your writing. My name is Cameron Von St. James and my wife was diagnosed with an extremely rare and deadly cancer called mesothelioma. Normally when diagnosed with mesothelioma, a person has a life expectancy of about 3-12 months, but after intense treatment and recovery she is still here 7 years later.

There are many steps to take as a caregiver when dealing with any type of harmful disease. Would you allow me to write an article for your blog about my personal experience as a caregiver to my wife? We struggled through so many hardships during this tough time, but found a way to make it through.

I'd love to share our story of hope with your readers who might take something away from it. This is an important message to get out there so please let me know if you would be interested in seeing it and sharing it with your readers.

Thank you for all you do in making a difference, Cameron

Dear Cameron,

If you will email me your story I will be glad to post it on my blog to inspire others

Hi A. B.

Thanks so much for this opportunity! I've attached my story to this email, thank you so much for considering it for your blog. Please feel free to take a look and let me know what you think whenever you get a chance. If you do enjoy it, I'd be thrilled if you shared it with your readers.

Thanks again, I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback!

Cameron

Here is my story:

How I Survived When My Wife Was Fighting Cancer

Loved ones and caregivers struggle greatly when their family members face a battle with cancer. My wife has frequently mentioned that she can’t imagine how I felt during the days after her diagnosis with malignant pleural mesothelioma. The raw emotion and sense of being overwhelmed that I felt in those days is something I find difficult to share, even with her.

Heather’s battle with mesothelioma began a mere three months after the birth of our only child, Lily. I remember hearing the diagnosis for the first time. I gazed into my wife’s watery eyes and thought, “How are we ever going to get through this?”

Initially, I was overcome by fear and rage. For days I struggled to speak without bursting into a string of profanity. Slowly, a sense of responsibility began to overtake my fear and anger. I needed to be strong for my family. My wife and daughter needed to be able to rely on me as their rock, their source of stability.

Immediately after my wife’s diagnosis, my daily to-do list was longer than anything I could handle. At first, I would frequently become overwhelmed. Soon, however, I learned to accept the help offered by friends and family, as well as to prioritize those things I needed to get done. Times were still rough, but with the support of loved ones, we would make it.

Perhaps the most difficult time for me during Heather’s battle with cancer was the two-month period following her surgery in Boston. She flew to South Dakota where our daughter was staying with her parents while I stayed home to work. While she was there preparing to undergo chemotherapy and radiation as her next phase of mesothelioma treatments I only got to see her once.

While the time away from my wife and daughter was extremely difficult, to this day I do not think of that time as a loss. I made the best decisions I could at the time so that my wife could recover and we could be reunited as a family as soon as possible. In fact, the ability to choose and make decisions became a comfort to me, a sort of way to maintain some control during a time when life seemed out of control.

Following my wife’s battle with mesothelioma, I remain thankful for the opportunity to make choices in life. This and learning how to accept help from others are the two main lessons I have taken from this experience. Through all of our struggles, Heather is still here and still healthy over six years later. I hope that our story can be a source of hope and help  to those currently battling cancer.

Dear Cameron

I loved your story. It was simple and eloquent at the same time, as well as helpful. Your pointing out that making decisions helped you to maintain a sense of control when things seemed out of control was extremely insightful, and I think will be helpful to many. A. B. Curtiss

For more information see:

Mesothelioma treatments

Malignant plueural misothelioma

Link to Cameron’s blog    http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/cameron/

Overcoming Adversity is not Easy

Hi A.B.!


I enjoyed your last two blog posts. Thanks! Reading the myths of happiness & your reflection on suffering was interesting & helpful.

In a chat room I frequent, one of the questions asked was, "Why are there so many bad things in life?" The woman who posted the questions wondered about events like the shootings at Sandy Hook, other crimes, war, & poverty.

Your books & other writings, A. B.,  have shaped my approach to things. We can view life & its vast array of experiences as an obstacle, or an enemy, or we can open the possibility that whatever is in front of us is meant to be, even if we didn't (& never would have) asked for it! There is so much more going on in life than our thoughts about it!

This is what I wrote to the questioner. Thanks, A. B., for reading if you have time!

You're asking the big questions, & you are getting a lot of wonderful responses that are speaking to Truth, if not providing concrete "answers."

There is something to be said for Surrender...accepting that we don't have all the answers & never will. Life is largely a mystery that can't be contained by our minds- within our concepts & thoughts about it.

But while we will never have all the answers tied up with a bow, there are pointers! A common theme you see over & over on this thread is the redemptive nature of adversity.

Repeatedly, we see that without losses, hardships, suffering, the better angels of our human nature would not have been revealed, much less developed. We can't help but conclude that ultimately, Suffering, the situation we would never ask for, serves a purpose in our evolution as humans.

I like this quote from Eckhart Tolle- "Even within the seemingly most unacceptable & painful situation is concealed a deeper good, & within every disaster is contained the seed of grace."

Dear G,

Thank you for your reflections. We are each a part of each other's solution to adversity. A chance word, a thoughtful remark, a hand extended toward you in a gesture of understanding. It all helps. And without each other, nothing helps.

And, of course, it's always easy to be philosophical about adversity once we have overcome it. The hard is, while we are in the throes of suffering adversity, that we keep our wits about us, and keep thinking about some bit of philosophical reminder to bouy us up, and remember to reach out to others in some small way. A. B. Curtiss

15 Facts from the Book, Myths of Happiness

Dear S,

Thank you so much for your comment on my July 8, 2010 post. Life is extremely difficult at times. Sometimes I think how wonderful it would be if it were all easy, and then my very next thought is that if things were always easy, we'd be bored and looking for some way to find some meaning in our lives. As it is, because life is diffult, we are always having to stretch ourselves beyond what we thought was possible, and that's we way we grow and mature to be wise and wonderful. Life may not be wonderful, but we can always strive to be wonderful ourselves, in bringing the best we have to in order to live up to what life asks of us.  And I've been meaning to post this. I found it very helpful myself. A. B. Curtiss




Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD is a professor of psychology at the University

of California, Riverside. Her research—on the possibility of permanently

increasing happiness— has been honored with a Science of Generosity

grant, a John Templeton Foundation grant, a Templeton Positive Psychology

Prize, and a million-dollar grant from the National Institute of Mental Health.

Sonja’s 2008 book, The How of Happiness, has been translated into

nineteen languages. She lives in Santa Monica, California, with her family. *~*~*~*~*~*~*



3. Fifteen Facts from Sonja Lyubomirsky's The Myths of Happiness





In The Myths of Happiness, Sonja isolates the major turning points of adult life, looking to both achievements (marriage, children, professional satisfaction, wealth) and failures (single hood, divorce, financial ruin, illness) to reveal that our misconceptions about the impact of such events is perhaps the greatest threat to our long-term well-being.



Sonja argues that we have been given false promises—myths that assure us that lifelong happiness will be attained once we hit the culturally confirmed markers of adult success. This restricted view of happiness works to discourage us from recognizing the upside of any negative life turn and blocks us from recognizing our own growth potential.



The book is filled with research-based insights and counterintuitive wisdom. Here, in random order, are 15 facts—all supported in the book by extensive research.



Fifteen Facts from Sonja Lyubomirsky’s The Myths of Happiness



1. We should replay our happy times but analyze (rather than relive) our negative past experiences. Studies suggest that we will be happier if we can savor (not dissect) our positive experiences and strive to understand (but not replay) unhappy times.



2. Novelty in relationships is like a drug. Being exposed to variety and novelty appears to have similar effects on our brains—specifically on activity involving the neurotransmitter dopamine --as do pharmacological “highs”.



3. Couples who talk alike stay together longer. Pairs of first-time daters who matched each other’s language styles were more likely to want to date again, and college couples who matched each other’s language styles were more likely to still be together three months later. Even the relationships of famous couples like Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes were happiest when their letters showed the highest match in language styles and least happy when they showed the lowest match.



4. Two-thirds of the benefits of a raise in income is erased after just one year. This occurs in part because we suddenly have “new” needs, spend more, and begin to associate with people in a higher income bracket.



5. It’s the frequency—not intensity—of positive emotions that is good for our health. In a study that followed people ages 18 to 94 over the course of 13 years those with more frequent positive moments (but not more intense positive moments) lived longer.



6. Friendships lead us to perceive mountains as less steep. Researchers asked volunteers to meet them at the base of a hill and asked that they either come alone or with a friend. Those who were accompanied by a friend–especially a friend they were close to and knew a long time–judged the hill to be less steep than those who were alone.



7. Unexpected pleasures are the most rewarding. In one experiment, when thirsty participants were informed that they would finally be able to drink, those who didn't know what they were going to get (i.e., water vs. a more attractive beverage) showed more activity in the parts of their brains linked to positive emotions.



8. We are hard-wired to adapt to circumstances both good and bad. This means the happiness spike we experience when we are in a new relationship, get a raise, or get married won’t last for long.



9. When it comes to sex, it’s women—not men—who require more novelty. In a long-term relationship, women are more likely than men to lose interest in sex and to lose it sooner. Women are physiologically aroused by a much broader range of stimuli than are men, and are most turned on by fantasies of sex with strangers. Also, female lust is often dominated by a craving to be the object of powerful urgent desire.



10. Divorce is highly heritable. The genes that underlie who gets divorced (which appear to be linked to particular personalities) are passed down from parents to children. So when we learn that children of divorced parents don’t do as well in certain domains, the effect may be due to the genes that the children share with their parents and not to the effects of divorce per se.



11. A troubled marriage presents as big a risk factor for heart disease as a regular smoking habit. For example, in the middle of a hostile fight, the functioning of our immune system begins to decline, our physical injuries heal slower, and our coronary calcium levels (signaling heart disease risk) rise.



12. Marital satisfaction decreases after the first baby is born and soars after the last child leaves home.



13. But parents experience more meaning. Sonja and her colleagues found that parents reported more meaning and purpose in life when spending time with their children than during the rest of their days.



14. Homeowners are less happy than renters. Contrary to popular beliefs about the “American Dream,” researchers have found that homeowners are less happy than renters, derive more pain from their homes, and spend more time on housework and less time interacting with their friends and neighbors.



15. Daily hassles and uplifts impact our well-being more than do major life events. Because, unlike annoyances, calamities motivate us to cope and positively re-evaluate our situation—to elicit strong emotional support from others—we often paradoxically suffer pain and distress longer from the little things than from the big things.