Where you Live is Not the Question--How you Live is the Question

Dear ms. Curtiss,

I've written to you several times. I just can't make up my mind about moving from New York. Whenever I think about it, I get really scared and can't remember why I would move. But when I'm in New York, and feeling low and doing everything I can to stay above water, I think that I must go. Basically, I just want to settle down and feel like it's been so hard meeting people here. I mean truly the reason I would move is because I'm afraid I will never meet someone in New York.

But if things are good and I'm hanging with family, I don't want to go. I'm terrified and I think, why would I move and undergo all the stress of being far away from them? I went through interviews in January in the new city, and had a nervous breakdown. I've been good and off the medication I was on but I recently reapplied to jobs down there and the freaking out is beginning again. I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice for this? T

Dear T,

It probably does not matter where you live as that is not what will make you happy. Ever heard the old saying "Bloom where you're planted?" You are freaking out and blaming it on the city where you live. The city has nothing to do with your freaking out. You are freaking out because you are not handling your day to day life very well. You are not handling your day to day life because you distract yourself from what you should be doing by thinking you should be doing it somewhere else so you never get a chance to stablilize yourself in a sane routine.

We don't live our lives by year by year. We live them second by second. You are overwhelmed with handling the rest of your life because it seems too big and impossible. It freaks us out to think we have to do the big impossible thing like plan the rest of our lives. Nobody can do that. We never have to do the big impossible thing. We only need to do the small possible thing that confronts us second by second.

When we think of our lives as being surrounded by brick walls, we freeze and refuse to move forward. We can blame our not moving forward on anything--I'm in the wrong city, I'm too fat, I'm black and discriminated against, I'm white and everybody else gets a affirmative action. So we have to think of ourselves as surrounded by brick walls that somehow we will get over, or through, or around or under because it is inevitable that things will somehow work out.

We have to think, "I may not know how to get beyond this brick wall but I am moving forward and somehow the way will open up for me. I refuse to think of this brick wall as impassible, I insist on thinking my moving forward will have a good outcome. All my energy is in expecting, somehow, in some way I don't yet see, a good outcome for me." When I do this, sometimes I imagine a bud blooming into a flower,  petals opening, exulting in my own second by second birth in becoming my own good outcome.

Any positive thought, imaginary or not, is better than a negative thought that I am stuck. Sometimes I imagine I am a race car moving forward and brick walls come out of nowhere but I roll forward and magically a path opens up before me and I reach the finish line first. Magical thinking is always better than negative thinking. With negative thinking you only get negative results. With magical thinking you get magical results.

Second by second. We approach the tasks of our daily life, second by second. We are happy second by second, not year by year.

Sometimes some of us are beset by bullies and we feel we can't move forward. We freeze in front of the bullies. For some of us those bullies are real and we have to learn to stand up to them. But for others of us those bullies are symbolic and beset us in the form of tasks which we are confronted with but freeze instead of getting to work with a good will. Nothing is irrevocable. We make decisions. Some of them work out and some don’t. There is always a path ahead, choices to be made, adjustments to be made. Some decisions are big ones and when we make them, we should honor them and not keep second-guessing ourselves. Again, bloom where we have planted ourselves instead of rudely picking up our roots and dragging them all over the place to find just the right spot. No wonder we freak out.

The Founding Fathers founded a new nation starting with the phrase, "In the firm reliance on Divine providence we mutually pledge our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor. I often use that beginning phrase when I attempt something new "With firm reliance on Divine providence....and then I don't worry about how it will be accomplished just THAT I expect a good outcome and I move forward to get to work on the latest task or event immediately before me.

Life is a living practice, not a flower arrangement.

A. B.Curtiss

Dear AB

I am experiencing severe depression and body image issues...looking for a coach to help me navigate this jungle of the mind and find my way to peace. I loved what I read on your website ~ D

Dear D

I don't take private patients anymore. However I will answer any question that you have as you climb out of this hellhole and I do not charge for that.The main thing is to distract your neocortex from concentrating on the pain going on in the subcortex. The brain always follows the direction of its most current dominant thought and you make any thought dominant by thinking it repetitively.

 I've spent many a hour singing nursery rhymes to myself as I make myself go about my chores.

As to body image, very few of us are always happy with the way we look. We should spend any energy that we have been using to deplore our lack of beauty into gratitude that we are here, we are who we are, we are the age we are, "we are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars and we have a right to be here."

If possible spend some time looking at the stars and walking under trees. Nature has great healing energies for us.

Seek out a doctor of Chinese medicine or a homeopathic nutritionist to make sure you are up to snuff in this area.

And like the old saying, "there is no way to peace, peace is the way." A. B. Curtiss

Your Little Poem was Just what I Needed

My name is R, I was at the nighttime zoo yesterday and I purchased your book "Dragons Guard the Zoo."

I just wanted to say thank you again, it was so great to meet you and get your book. I am really loving it, and I found your website online and wanted to pass on the picture I took with you. I also shared this photo with my friends on Facebook, and this was the little story I told, I wanted to share it with you too.

"Yesterday I walked by a table at the San Diego  Zoo, an Author was there, she was signing her books. I had the urge to look over. We caught eyes. She asked if I wanted a bookmark. I walked over, took it. I looked down, immediately drawn to her book, 'Dragons Guard the Zoo'. She looked up at me and simply said "I think you will like page 165 ." I hesitated but opened it and read a beautiful little poem. I smiled and inhaled deeply. I did like it.

 I looked at her and smiled and told her I didn't know it was poetry and I let her know how much I liked the poem. It felt like a little personal whisper in my ear from the universe. She smiled back. I was astonished and how much the poem was just what I needed to read. I shook her hand and let her know it was just what I needed. She smiled. Sometimes I'm not sure of things, often, actually, but yesterday one thing I am sure of, is this woman helped me believe in magic again."

Thank you again, you don't know how much you touched me yesterday. I think you have a beautiful soul and you really connected to mine, whether you realized it or not. :-)

Best wishes,

R :-)

Dear R,

Thank you so much for your lovely letter. This is the very reason I write. To connect with others and lighten their hearts a little.  A. B. Curtiss

New Insomnia Exercize Worked

I gave the counting insomnia exercise to my daughter, the one where you count  1  2  3  4 and take a breath and then count  5  6  7 8 and repeat until you fall asleep. She said it wouldn’t work for her.

“Of course it will work,” I said. “And the more you do the exercise the stronger the neural pattern becomes and it soon attaches, by learned association, to the natural going-to-sleep pattern and it takes less and less time to fall asleep.”

“No, Mom. You don’t understand. Just the thought of numbers makes me anxious because I start the day with a list of all the things I have to do. So just the thought of numbers makes me think of how behind I am in getting things done.”

“Okay,  then,” I said. “Say  A   B   C   D  and then   E   F   G   H  instead.”

She said that worked.

I Just Want to Get back to Normal

Dear AB

Originally I was going through a stressful time after many long years of constant stress. I couldn't sleep and was very anxious and so I was put on antidepressants, I tried to get off but became very depressed, I was put back on them and something to sleep was added. That stopped working and I was put on something else for 4 years then That quit working so, 8 years on antidepressants, and then in 2005 I was completely depressed , since then I have been on many mood stabilizes and antidepressant but, still have anxiety and depression.

I was a dentist for 21 years and have three grown kids, i have not been able to work since 2005 and have been on every class of antidepressants, been to the Menninger clinic for six weeks and had transcranial magnetic stimulation. I am now on a variety of med's which keep me from being suicidal, but,I have no get up and go, I am still anxious and very depressed. I have been to several therapist. would love to get off medications and get back to my old optimistic self. B

Dear B,

I suggest you see a doctor of Chinese Medicine to see if you need some nutrients that would balance the hormones in your body. This hormonal imbalance is very common in both men and women in their 50s. If the drugs have caused your nerves to be over-stimulated causing anxiety I recommend that you read Claire Weeks book HOPE AND HELP FOR YOUR NERVES. I also suggest you increase your physical activity—try a few things and see if something clicks, either get a trainer at a local gym, swim, take a course in yoga or Tae Kwon Do. For repressed fear and anxiety I suggest transcendental meditation which is very low key or Osho Dynamic Meditation which is very active. Here are some links to Osho Dynamic Meditation

http://www.youtube.com/movie?v=HtgaZS1fh-A&feature=mv_sr

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5Ao--mbIho

Another thing for helping with social anxiety and re-engaging with your fellow man, I suggest a course in Toastmaster’s International which is available in any small town and is very inexpensive.

I’m sorry I can’t advise you on what to do about your drug intake as I have no experience with drugs. You will have to see your medical doctor for advice on that. You can use any of my cognitive behavior mind techniques whether you are on medication or not as there is no downside risk to having a better understanding of how your brain works and why you think the way you do.

Western medicine took a wrong turn when they rejected out-of-hand the 10,000 year old medical practices of the Eastern world. We are starting to wake up to energy fields, hypnosis, acupuncture, massage therapy, etc. We are great when it comes to surgery and diagnosis of organ failure. However the medical establishment in the US is stuck in its refusal to apply the theories of quantum physics and views the body only as a physical machine that operates according to Newtonian principles, ignoring completely Einstein’s theory of relativity, the fact that matter, even human cells are not made up of physical matter as the pharmaceutical companies think of it but rather energy and physical matter so interrelated that they cannot be separated out. Everybody talks about E=mc2 but they have no idea of the significance to bodily health. 

The use of anti-depressants, etc. is based on a linear information flow from A to B. But the body should not be viewed in terms of Newtonian physics but Quantum physics and when you introduce a chemical to have an effect on one thing, the information, the energy, from that introduced chemical goes every which way, holistically with all kinds of unintended consequences.

The Journal of the American Medical Association in 2000 said that 120,000 people die each year as a result of iatrogenic illness (as a result of medical treatment) which make it the 3^rd leading cause of death in the US. Dr. G. Null wrote in his 2003 book that it is now the leading cause of deaths in the U.S. with 300,000 people victims of iatrogenic illness. We have to think holistically and look for alternatives to the “magic pill.”  However there is light at the end of the tunnel. People are now seeking alternative and integrated health practitioners. A. B. Curtiss

What Can you Do About Kids on Drugs?

Hi A.B.!

I'm not a parent, so suggestions for helping troubled teens have escaped my notice. I know drug & alcohol problems have been around for a long time, but they seem to have reached epidemic proportions.  Luckily, the teens in my family have not walked on the wild side, and have refrained from engaging in destructive behavior.

So, I find myself at a loss, as a neighbor tells me of a boy out of control.  He turned 16 last week, does drugs, drinks, hangs out with guys in their 20's who are very rough. He does not have a driver's license, but he drives his friend's cars. Memorial weekend he did not come home, & staying out all night has since become a habit.  He tells his mother she can't stop him. His father, who is unemployed,  also drinks and does "spice." His mother has a very good job & has climbed up the career ladder. G.

Dear G.

The only thing that really works is what the comedian Carol Burnett did for her drug-addicted teenaged daughter. She and her husband removed the whole family to Hawaii. If the parents are not in sync, it's hard to do anything. The culture doesn't support old-fashioned values. The husband doesn't. The kid is too immature to make the right choices and he probably feels this lifestyle values him and makes him happy.

Tell the mother not to feel like she has failed. She has probably been a good parent. But good parents are busy people, earning a living and working hard, sometimes they aren't there at the right time to catch on to what is happening—what bad influences have taken over your own kid. In the past parents worked hard but the culture mandated dinner together every night and family time on weekends and in small towns neighbors would look after your kids when they were out and around and let the parents know if someone was out of tine.. And the community wasn't rife with drugs and perversion as it is now. And there was no Internet or video games or cell phones. We have lost our moral compass and our kids are paying for it.

Sometimes the kids hit bottom and stay there, sometimes they hit bottom and get better. It is an epidemic. Thousands are dying of overdoses, or in auto accidents. Many are so brain-damaged that they can no longer function independently, some with less capacity than a 2 or 3 year old. It is heart-breaking. Sometimes the only thing you can do is pray. A. B,

I'm Visiting a Relative and They're Getting on My Nerves

Hi, I won't post your question as you asked, just my edited reply. My advice is this. As long as you are visiting and are the houseguest of someone, especially a close friend or  relative that you want to have a continuing relationship with, you do what they want, not what you want. You go out of your way for them and do not expect them to go out of the way for you--even if it hurts, and it probably will.

You don't judge their emotional stability or the rightness or wrongness of what their interactions with their own family might be. People are to be left alone in their own homes. We all do the best we can. You will find the situation changes back to normal when you meet on neutral grounds, either when they visit you in your place or at least away from being a guest at their place. From this neutral territory or if they become the guest, you can decide how much going out of your way you want to do and you will learn to be political about it so you can sidestep someone who might be wanting to take advantage of you babysitting wise, dog feeding wise, waiting for delivery men, etc.

The hardest thing we will ever do in our life is to accept other people's stupidity and give them space and respect for their bottom line humanity and human connection to us. No one wants to be the last man on Earth. We need each other.

It's hard to accept other people flaws because we can only see their flaws and now our own. We never see our own stupidity, unfortunately, just other people's .The good part of seeing other people's stupidity is that we can decide that at the very least we don't want to do what they are doing. We'll still be doing our own stupid stuff but it's one way to cut it down when we see what we don't like in others and decide to check it our in ourselves. For this reason I have always believed that being a therapist is the best way to become sane yourself. By avoiding in your own life other people's bad examples. A. B. Curtiss