More Confused and Terrified

Dear AB

Thank you for your quick reply!

Do you think you can go through life not thinking about stuff that brings stress and fear and depression? Can I just use brain switch always? I don't mean day to day stuff, I mean past times and thoughts that just don't make sense? I hope you get what I'm saying. I tend to dwell on others misfortune and say why not me? Then I get scared. I know you believe that depression is a chemical imbalance but is it behavior also? My mother had depression but she blamed my dad for it as well as a pretty bad childhood.

When it comes to money, we are pretty fortunate, but I can't see myself being a stay home mom. Ill go crazy being at home. I need to do something. What should I do? Go back to work? With anxiety, I'm suppose to keep stress down but if I'm at home, I'll just stir.

I stopped working because I thought the stress of it would make my anxiety worse. But now I have some depression that I've been using brain switch on as well with my anxiety. I'm going through a midlife crisis. Did you have past issues that brought on your depression or how did it start?

Thank you so much,  S

Dear S,

Congratulations on being so good on your iphone. I couldn't possible manage such a long message.

There is no sense in thinking about stuff that brings on fear, stress and depression. I always use brainswitching for them. Sometimes there are one or two really bad thoughts for which I first groan a little right out loud before I drop them in favor of brainswitching. Feeling empathy for others can also escalate into a problem. A particularly brutal rape of a child for instance can make a mess of your normal sex life if you dwell on it.

Sudden deaths of friends or even strangers can make you fearful of how vulnerable you are as a human being and it makes no sense to dwell on such bad thoughts. You can have equally horrible thoughts about your own impending catastrophe or your family's. Again this is not helpful thinking. Honest mourning of a loss is okay. But obsessive negative thoughts are BAD. They are not helpful in any way.

A good Silva Mind Control trick for fearful imaginings is to imagine one of those signs with the black hash mark through it, meaning NO, and say to yourself three times, cancel, cancel, cancel so that the bad thing you have imagined will be nullified and therefore NEVER HAPPEN.

Negative thinking, if it in not nipped in the bud,  usually skews the brain chemistry and ends up in stress which then can turn into depression or a panic attack. You must remember that there is a chemical consequence in the brain for every thought that you think.

If it is not financially necessary to work for money you can always work for a good cause, something that you care about. You can try one or two things and see if they work out. I'm thinking that when my career in writing slows down I will probably volunteer for Hospice. My husband plays duplicate bridge and raquetball 4 times a week and for a civic duty picks up trash on the roads from our house to the highway. I did find time to volunteer for poll duty. This first year I will only be an observer but I hope to be a poll worker by the next election.

The doctor of Chinese medicine whom I have been seeing for two years told me that since my first depression began with my first period that perhaps my depression was caused by out of whack hormones.

I have been on hormone replacement therapy since and it has made a big difference. I still get depression when I wake at night but not nearly so much and it is easily handled by brainswitching. My anxiety, cause by a bad reaction to oxcycodene for a back injury lasted until I was lucky enough to find this particular doctor who prescribed a number of hormones, amino acids and other dietary supplements.

At my age my organs are not nearly as efficient as they used to be. You are just at the age when hormonal changes can cause depression and I would suggest you see a good nutritionist or doctor of Chinese medicine--or any homeopathic practitioner to check up on your hormones. As we age our organs are less able to produce what the body needs to function perfectly. And I'd just as soon, given the opportunity, function as perfectly as possible thank you very much. A. B. Curtiss

 

I'm Confused and Terrified

Hi AB!

I'm a 40 year old female and in the last few months developed anxiety and had an attack, I think. I started on an antidepressant a few weeks ago. Not that that matters, but I just been reading your Brain Switch book. Parts are so eye opening, but I struggle with what to do in my life. I recently stopped work because I thought the stress would make me worse. I have two children and an amazing husband. A while ago I started feeling lost and down when I realized I didn't know what was next for me! My babes are a little more independent and I feel completely lost and scared and depressed for the rest of my life. I'm trying to live in the Now, but I feel like I need something to do. I'm embarrassed to go back to work because I've always been a rock there for 15 years! What had happened to me. I'm so confused! I'm so afraid. How can I use your techniques to get doing something.  Any insight, thanks

S

Dear S,

First of all you need to look around you and make sure that in your anxiety to save yourself you haven't been as concerned as you might be for the friends and loved ones around you. When we are stressed we are usually mean to the people closest to us in small ways that we don't see ourselves. We tend to be judgmental about their faults and small errors because they are
so easy to see. It is only our own faults that are difficult to pinpoint.

Another thing about human nature is that most of us confuse image with resource. People who are spendthrifts and make foolish financial decisions see money as image rather than resource. They buy an expensive car instead of putting that extra money away for a rainy day. I think we do the same thing with our own emotional strengths. We see them as image rather than resource.

This is why we are embarrassed and shamed when we have shown emotional weakness and failure to others. The fact that you have been a rock at work may be the problem. Rocks don't allow much emotional give and takewith others for fear the "rock" image might be spoiled. A lot of this is just habit. We just never thought about it before. We never asked ourselves why we hide our secret selves away in fear.

What would be so terrible about returning to work and admitting you had struggled with a period of anxiety. It is not easy to admit we are vulnerable. It's human nature because we are a herd animal and need the acceptance of our peers. There is no worse feeling than feeling all alone.

Instead of being a rock, this time maybe you could be just an ordinary person who had a down time and are coming back. Maybe you could be an inspiration instead of a rock, and show others how youare bravely going ahead when you are experiencing difficulties.

They say that you have to love yourself before you can love others. I suppose that's true in a way. But sometimes we can learn to love ourselves by learning to concern ourselves with other people. I think we can learn to make a connection with ourselves sometimes when we learn how to connect with others. Perhaps  this is because, as some say, we are all one. Start in small ways. Sometimes a small conversation with a drugstore clerk whom you really see when you look at them can bring a bit of loving humanity into your heart and help to soften and open it up some.

You ask what happened to you. What happened to you is that you were a human pretending to be a rock. Now that you know you are not really a rock, you can join the rest of us and be just an ordinary human being who, though accomplished and talented in many ways, still stumbles and bumbles now and then. When you grow afraid, it is time to reach out to others, loved ones, husband or wife, dear friends. Don’t wait for complete havoc. You will do better if you catch yourself falling and reach out to reconnect with others before you get so terrified. Do you really think any single human being, no matter how excellent, avoids fear and terror in his life? Here's an excerpt from my book Depression is a Choice about William James, known as the Father of Psychology.

"William James, the "father of psychology," suffered terribly from depression. He would become famous for separating out psychology from "mental philosophy" and bringing the experience of human emotions to the scientific laboratory. But he would not find a cure for his own pain there. It would not be to science that this great scientist turned for salvation when depression threatened to overwhelm him. In his hour of need, this world-renowned physician used the simplistic device of repeating simple religious sayings over and over to himself


"I awoke morning after morning with a horrible dread at the pit of my
stomach, and with a sense of the insecurity of life that I never knew
before, and that I have never felt since. It was like a revelation; and
although the immediate feelings passed away, the experience has made me
sympathetic with the morbid feelings of others ever since. It gradually
faded, but  for months I was unable to go out into the dark alone...I mean
that the fear was so invasive and powerful that if I had not clung to
scripture-texts like 'the eternal God is my refuge,' etc., 'Come unto me,
all ye that labor and are heavy-laden,'etc., 'I am the resurrection and the
life,' etc., I think I should have grown really insane."

William James      (1842-1910)


I hope this helps some. You can ask me questions any time. A. B. Curtiss

Never Let Your Thoughts Go Beyond Your Situation

Hi AB!

I've read and re-read July 10's blog post over and over.  I need this wisdom, and I appreciate your essay so much.

I relate to the poster's questions, and I also have a different spin on the issue.  I am the wife of someone who is unhappy with his job, who talks about relocating, but it doesn't happen.  In 2010, he angrily started on this track, and I responded by upgrading the kitchen to prepare
for resale.  Last year, I remodeled a large bathroom.  I will soon be gutting and re-doing the first floor powder room.  We bought at the height of the market, so even if we had only changed light bulbs since we moved in, we'd still be certain to lose money at sale time.  It's stressful,
and I worry about it a lot.

So...I decided to visit a reputable psychic who has been doing the work for 55 years and is affiliated with A.R.E. (Edgar Cayce's place) in my area. 

First weekin April, she told me she did not see a move in my near future.  She thought we'd be in our house until my hub retires (9 or 10 more years.) I went back to see her the last day in July, and she said something had changed!  My hub would find a job that would be a director position, rather thana staff postition, which is what he is currently has. The job would happen in the next 4 months,  in a certain town still in our current state, but hundreds of miles
away. She said ultimately it would be a positive move.  She could see us both being happy there.  The position of greater authority would be goodfor my husband who she correctly noted is highly analytical, hard-working and likes things done "right" ( which is usually his way!)   

This threw me for a loop!  I got very depressed and started asking my hub about his job search.  I started pestering him, really.  I wouldn't tell him about the psychic,but I brought up the job search issue, which I had not done for months.   It was just assumed that he was keeping an eye out for a job.  Things were happier in the house thisway.  Now, my hub seems to feel pressured to kick up the job search a notch and I even wonder, "Had he put the whole thing on the backburner, and since I dredged it up, it's now on the front burner?" 

I am not dealing well with the uncertainty of the situation, and ironically, the thing I did to get a definitive answer, visiting a psychic, only disrupted my mentalstate even further.  For the first few days after the visit, I felt really crazy.  I'm feeling better as time goes on, but  I really struggle with this "are we moving or aren't we?" situation. 

How can I make plans?  How do I know how much to spend on the house?  I find myself in such a state of confusion and angst.  I know life is uncertain for us all,but most of us can enjoy an illusion of certainty! People actually make five, ten, twenty year life plans.  I can't plan for any length of time ahead.  My hub isallergic to making plans.  He wants things to just "flow."  If something comes along, he'll seize the opportunity.  If not, we stay put.  I don't like this approachvery much.  I'd rather say, "I'm not crazy about living here, or this job, but I am going to take the bitter with the sweet and put down roots."
(Also..., we've paid ahead of schedule and the house will be paid for in 5 and a half years from now. )

Sorry for rambling on and on.  If you have any further insights to share I'd appreciate it.  I believe that the title of your last blog post says a lot:
It's not where you live, but how you live (that really counts!) Thanks, G.
 

Dear G,

My grandmother used to say never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. One of my professors said it this way: "Never let your thoughts go beyond your situation."

Yes, you need to plan ahead if there is some reason to plan ahead and there is a time for planning. But if you don't know IF you are going to move, it is not the TIME to PLAN to move. If it is not the time to plan to move and you are worrying about if you are going to move this is an example of letting your thoughts go beyond your situation. A. B. Curtiss

Dear A.B.

Thank you. Yes, I suppose that is true!  Sounds so simple (and sane!)  I will try to look at it that way.  I guess I'm terrified. I regret buying this house to
begin with, since values fell.  I can't seem to let go of trying to have some control over the situation.  I've never stewed over something for six whole years before!  When I'm not obsessing over the house, I'm on the internet looking at the job listings in my hub's field. I don't think I've ever been quite this anxious or unhappy before. 

Am I hopeless?   G

Dear G

You must develop your own interests rather than be so interested in what your husband is or is not doing. You shouldn't be making your heaviest investment in worrying. It is a poor use of your talents as a creative person and a desolate path to trod as a human being.. A. B.

Where you Live is Not the Question--How you Live is the Question

Dear ms. Curtiss,

I've written to you several times. I just can't make up my mind about moving from New York. Whenever I think about it, I get really scared and can't remember why I would move. But when I'm in New York, and feeling low and doing everything I can to stay above water, I think that I must go. Basically, I just want to settle down and feel like it's been so hard meeting people here. I mean truly the reason I would move is because I'm afraid I will never meet someone in New York.

But if things are good and I'm hanging with family, I don't want to go. I'm terrified and I think, why would I move and undergo all the stress of being far away from them? I went through interviews in January in the new city, and had a nervous breakdown. I've been good and off the medication I was on but I recently reapplied to jobs down there and the freaking out is beginning again. I don't know what to do. Do you have any advice for this? T

Dear T,

It probably does not matter where you live as that is not what will make you happy. Ever heard the old saying "Bloom where you're planted?" You are freaking out and blaming it on the city where you live. The city has nothing to do with your freaking out. You are freaking out because you are not handling your day to day life very well. You are not handling your day to day life because you distract yourself from what you should be doing by thinking you should be doing it somewhere else so you never get a chance to stablilize yourself in a sane routine.

We don't live our lives by year by year. We live them second by second. You are overwhelmed with handling the rest of your life because it seems too big and impossible. It freaks us out to think we have to do the big impossible thing like plan the rest of our lives. Nobody can do that. We never have to do the big impossible thing. We only need to do the small possible thing that confronts us second by second.

When we think of our lives as being surrounded by brick walls, we freeze and refuse to move forward. We can blame our not moving forward on anything--I'm in the wrong city, I'm too fat, I'm black and discriminated against, I'm white and everybody else gets a affirmative action. So we have to think of ourselves as surrounded by brick walls that somehow we will get over, or through, or around or under because it is inevitable that things will somehow work out.

We have to think, "I may not know how to get beyond this brick wall but I am moving forward and somehow the way will open up for me. I refuse to think of this brick wall as impassible, I insist on thinking my moving forward will have a good outcome. All my energy is in expecting, somehow, in some way I don't yet see, a good outcome for me." When I do this, sometimes I imagine a bud blooming into a flower,  petals opening, exulting in my own second by second birth in becoming my own good outcome.

Any positive thought, imaginary or not, is better than a negative thought that I am stuck. Sometimes I imagine I am a race car moving forward and brick walls come out of nowhere but I roll forward and magically a path opens up before me and I reach the finish line first. Magical thinking is always better than negative thinking. With negative thinking you only get negative results. With magical thinking you get magical results.

Second by second. We approach the tasks of our daily life, second by second. We are happy second by second, not year by year.

Sometimes some of us are beset by bullies and we feel we can't move forward. We freeze in front of the bullies. For some of us those bullies are real and we have to learn to stand up to them. But for others of us those bullies are symbolic and beset us in the form of tasks which we are confronted with but freeze instead of getting to work with a good will. Nothing is irrevocable. We make decisions. Some of them work out and some don’t. There is always a path ahead, choices to be made, adjustments to be made. Some decisions are big ones and when we make them, we should honor them and not keep second-guessing ourselves. Again, bloom where we have planted ourselves instead of rudely picking up our roots and dragging them all over the place to find just the right spot. No wonder we freak out.

The Founding Fathers founded a new nation starting with the phrase, "In the firm reliance on Divine providence we mutually pledge our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor. I often use that beginning phrase when I attempt something new "With firm reliance on Divine providence....and then I don't worry about how it will be accomplished just THAT I expect a good outcome and I move forward to get to work on the latest task or event immediately before me.

Life is a living practice, not a flower arrangement.

A. B.Curtiss

Dear AB

I am experiencing severe depression and body image issues...looking for a coach to help me navigate this jungle of the mind and find my way to peace. I loved what I read on your website ~ D

Dear D

I don't take private patients anymore. However I will answer any question that you have as you climb out of this hellhole and I do not charge for that.The main thing is to distract your neocortex from concentrating on the pain going on in the subcortex. The brain always follows the direction of its most current dominant thought and you make any thought dominant by thinking it repetitively.

 I've spent many a hour singing nursery rhymes to myself as I make myself go about my chores.

As to body image, very few of us are always happy with the way we look. We should spend any energy that we have been using to deplore our lack of beauty into gratitude that we are here, we are who we are, we are the age we are, "we are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars and we have a right to be here."

If possible spend some time looking at the stars and walking under trees. Nature has great healing energies for us.

Seek out a doctor of Chinese medicine or a homeopathic nutritionist to make sure you are up to snuff in this area.

And like the old saying, "there is no way to peace, peace is the way." A. B. Curtiss

Your Little Poem was Just what I Needed

My name is R, I was at the nighttime zoo yesterday and I purchased your book "Dragons Guard the Zoo."

I just wanted to say thank you again, it was so great to meet you and get your book. I am really loving it, and I found your website online and wanted to pass on the picture I took with you. I also shared this photo with my friends on Facebook, and this was the little story I told, I wanted to share it with you too.

"Yesterday I walked by a table at the San Diego  Zoo, an Author was there, she was signing her books. I had the urge to look over. We caught eyes. She asked if I wanted a bookmark. I walked over, took it. I looked down, immediately drawn to her book, 'Dragons Guard the Zoo'. She looked up at me and simply said "I think you will like page 165 ." I hesitated but opened it and read a beautiful little poem. I smiled and inhaled deeply. I did like it.

 I looked at her and smiled and told her I didn't know it was poetry and I let her know how much I liked the poem. It felt like a little personal whisper in my ear from the universe. She smiled back. I was astonished and how much the poem was just what I needed to read. I shook her hand and let her know it was just what I needed. She smiled. Sometimes I'm not sure of things, often, actually, but yesterday one thing I am sure of, is this woman helped me believe in magic again."

Thank you again, you don't know how much you touched me yesterday. I think you have a beautiful soul and you really connected to mine, whether you realized it or not. :-)

Best wishes,

R :-)

Dear R,

Thank you so much for your lovely letter. This is the very reason I write. To connect with others and lighten their hearts a little.  A. B. Curtiss

New Insomnia Exercize Worked

I gave the counting insomnia exercise to my daughter, the one where you count  1  2  3  4 and take a breath and then count  5  6  7 8 and repeat until you fall asleep. She said it wouldn’t work for her.

“Of course it will work,” I said. “And the more you do the exercise the stronger the neural pattern becomes and it soon attaches, by learned association, to the natural going-to-sleep pattern and it takes less and less time to fall asleep.”

“No, Mom. You don’t understand. Just the thought of numbers makes me anxious because I start the day with a list of all the things I have to do. So just the thought of numbers makes me think of how behind I am in getting things done.”

“Okay,  then,” I said. “Say  A   B   C   D  and then   E   F   G   H  instead.”

She said that worked.