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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Never Let Your Thoughts Go Beyond Your Situation

Hi AB!

I've read and re-read July 10's blog post over and over.  I need this wisdom, and I appreciate your essay so much.

I relate to the poster's questions, and I also have a different spin on the issue.  I am the wife of someone who is unhappy with his job, who talks about relocating, but it doesn't happen.  In 2010, he angrily started on this track, and I responded by upgrading the kitchen to prepare
for resale.  Last year, I remodeled a large bathroom.  I will soon be gutting and re-doing the first floor powder room.  We bought at the height of the market, so even if we had only changed light bulbs since we moved in, we'd still be certain to lose money at sale time.  It's stressful,
and I worry about it a lot.

So...I decided to visit a reputable psychic who has been doing the work for 55 years and is affiliated with A.R.E. (Edgar Cayce's place) in my area. 

First weekin April, she told me she did not see a move in my near future.  She thought we'd be in our house until my hub retires (9 or 10 more years.) I went back to see her the last day in July, and she said something had changed!  My hub would find a job that would be a director position, rather thana staff postition, which is what he is currently has. The job would happen in the next 4 months,  in a certain town still in our current state, but hundreds of miles
away. She said ultimately it would be a positive move.  She could see us both being happy there.  The position of greater authority would be goodfor my husband who she correctly noted is highly analytical, hard-working and likes things done "right" ( which is usually his way!)   

This threw me for a loop!  I got very depressed and started asking my hub about his job search.  I started pestering him, really.  I wouldn't tell him about the psychic,but I brought up the job search issue, which I had not done for months.   It was just assumed that he was keeping an eye out for a job.  Things were happier in the house thisway.  Now, my hub seems to feel pressured to kick up the job search a notch and I even wonder, "Had he put the whole thing on the backburner, and since I dredged it up, it's now on the front burner?" 

I am not dealing well with the uncertainty of the situation, and ironically, the thing I did to get a definitive answer, visiting a psychic, only disrupted my mentalstate even further.  For the first few days after the visit, I felt really crazy.  I'm feeling better as time goes on, but  I really struggle with this "are we moving or aren't we?" situation. 

How can I make plans?  How do I know how much to spend on the house?  I find myself in such a state of confusion and angst.  I know life is uncertain for us all,but most of us can enjoy an illusion of certainty! People actually make five, ten, twenty year life plans.  I can't plan for any length of time ahead.  My hub isallergic to making plans.  He wants things to just "flow."  If something comes along, he'll seize the opportunity.  If not, we stay put.  I don't like this approachvery much.  I'd rather say, "I'm not crazy about living here, or this job, but I am going to take the bitter with the sweet and put down roots."
(Also..., we've paid ahead of schedule and the house will be paid for in 5 and a half years from now. )

Sorry for rambling on and on.  If you have any further insights to share I'd appreciate it.  I believe that the title of your last blog post says a lot:
It's not where you live, but how you live (that really counts!) Thanks, G.

Dear G,
My grandmother used to say never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you. One of my professors said it this way: "Never let your thoughts go beyond your situation."

Yes, you need to plan ahead if there is some reason to plan ahead and there is a time for planning. But if you don't know IF you are going to move, it is not the TIME to PLAN to move. If it is not the time to plan to move and you are worrying about if you are going to move this is an example of letting your thoughts go beyond your situation. A. B. Curtiss

Dear A.B.

Thank you. Yes, I suppose that is true!  Sounds so simple (and sane!)  I will try to look at it that way.  I guess I'm terrified. I regret buying this house to
begin with, since values fell.  I can't seem to let go of trying to have some control over the situation.  I've never stewed over something for six whole years before!  When I'm not obsessing over the house, I'm on the internet looking at the job listings in my hub's field. I don't think I've ever been quite this anxious or unhappy before. 

Am I hopeless?   G
Dear G

You must develop your own interests rather than be so interested in what your husband is or is not doing. You shouldn't be making your heaviest investment in worrying. It is a poor use of your talents as a creative person and a desolate path to trod as a human being.. A. B.