Dear A. B. Curtiss
I wrote to you a few years back (Feb 10 2010) and found
your reply really helpful. I hope you
don't mind me writing again but recently my mother died and since then I have been finding a return of panic symptoms
which I used to experience a lot when I was younger. I know your book and
the exercises are designed to help with depression but do these exercises
have the same effect on panic? I passed out while having a cup of tea with a
friend a few weeks ago and am so afraid that it might happen again that I have
started to create a cycle of fear where I know that my mind is busy ensuring
that I do feel faint quite often. Is it possible to deal with grief by
using distraction techniques or is it
better to face the anxiety it causes head on. I am really struggling and would
welcome your advice.
Sincere Thanks
G
Dear G.
The best thing to do with grief over loss is to mourn
your loss when the mourning presents itself in the form of painful feeling. When
the horrible pain comes down upon you, simply accept it as part of the ceremony of loss. We hurt when we lose what we
love. It is a normal part of the experience of every human being. Feel it all
the way. It is a feeling. It will not harm us in any way. After all, we are not
our feelings. We are having feelings. We are in charge of those feelings. There
is no need to allow our feelings to have charge over us. Fainting or getting a
panic attack is a way of refusing to feel the pain of loss.
If you have been
fearful of feeling the pain of loss, the first time you undertake to accept and feel the pain, it may
take a few minutes to get the hang of it.
You can even have
a conversation with the pain if you like. Every time it comes down upon you,
you can say. Have I had this feeling
before?
Yes or no
If yes, Is there
anything hidden in this feeling that I haven't felt before?
Yes or No
If yes, feel around for any hidden and repressed part of
the fearful pain and feel it now. Just
feel it, no need to do anything about it except feel it. Allow the complete painful feeling to
express itself and spread out into the neurons of your body. Like an exercise
stretch. The feelings themselves are
caused by adrenalin. They are part of the fight or flight response. The fight
or flight response causes a surge of adrenalin in our body. Adrenalin can only affect certain of our organs and only
in certain ways.
Therefore this
pain is not unlimited, nor is it all-powerful. This chemically-caused
pain has limitations beyond which it cannot continue. If you allow yourself to
feel this pain, it won't get worse. It will reach a completion, diminish and fade away. Sometimes you can get so good
at this acceptance of painful feeling
that it is almost like loving it. Immediate acceptance of painful feelings keeps them from escalating into
panic. Panic attack is cause by the fear of feeling the pain and the refusal to
feel the pain. Repressed fear ends up in panic attacks.
Wallowing in fearful feelings is not the same thing as simply
accepting and feeling them.
Wallowiing in painful feelings is continuing to be
resistant to feeling them but continuing to engage in thoughts about how you
don't like what you are feeling. And continuing, over and over, to think
about how you don't like it. And can't stand it anymore. And can't somebody do
something to help you. And, oh not again. And why can't I have some relief. Why
can't I be happy. And so on.
Every time the wallowing begins, you should have a conversation
with it.
Is there any new idea or
data that we can add to this wallowing that will change anything?
Or make it better.
Is continuing to wallow in
this pain making me a better person?
Is it making me a more
connected person or a more disconnected one?
Is it making my heart more
closed. Or open-hearted.
Is wallowing in this fearful
pain making me a bright shining light of healing love to shed on those around me. Or not.
So every time the wallowing comes, have the conversation,
or just simply allow the pain to spread out and stretch itself to completion in
your neurons.
Open your hands to it.
Relax your shoulders to it.
Bow your head, or get down on your knees if you want to,
in holy acceptance of your humanity.
You are never
alone in your acceptance of and your loving surrender to your humanity.
The conversation itself soon becomes a kind of
distracting device for the mind. Remember: the mind always follows the
direction of its most current dominant thought. At first, the pain is the
dominant thought. Your dominant thought
is instructions to the brain (your obedient servant) to put you in touch with
everything associated with that dominant
thought. If the dominant thought is pain, the brain will put you in touch with
everything painfully negative in your memory banks.
As you continue to use the conversation exercise, later
the conversation becomes the dominant thought. After doing the “conversation”
for a couple of weeks, the feelings don't seem to persist. The dominant thought
will change to being open, connected, accepting and will be instructions
to your brain to put you in touch with
all the positive things in your
memory bank. Pain + the conversation=
okayness. Kind of like oil on troubled waters = tranquil waters.
Hope this helps.
A. B. Curtiss
Thank you so much Ms Curtiss, I will do as you suggest
and am grateful for the suggestions which absolutely make sense. Over the years I have tried to practice what
you advise regarding depression and as a result I am rarely ever depressed and
have found my mood is usually calm and positive. I guess grief is a bit
different and we live in a culture which doesn't really approve of outright
expressions to loss but in private I will try to apply your strategies. It is
kind of you to spend the time to reply in such depth.
With Best Wishes
G
Dear G
You are welcome. For myself, I find if I am hit by a
sudden real surge to the bottom, either method actually works--distraction with
simple nonsense mantras, or complete acceptance and allowing the pain to finish
itself. But grief over loss is a little different. Mourning the loss of a loved
one, in a way, is a beautiful expression of our shared humanity. But when it
escalates into mere chemical imbalance, then we must "treat" it. The
thing we should always remember, but never seem to remember when it hits us, is
that pain is a thought which cannot think itself. We must think it in order to
feel any pain. And we can choose not to think it. That is also true of physical
pain and that is why, for chronic physical pain, self-hypnosis is the best
remedy. A. B. Curtiss
