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Monday, December 17, 2012

Does Anybody Love Me?

I was driving to an appointment yesterday when the most desolate feeling of loneliness came over me. I felt unloved, unworthy, unimaginably isolated and disconnected from the world around me. Christmas lights along the way were not cheering my frozen heart.

Where do you turn for help at such moments of deep despair? I was driving in fast moving traffic down a busy highway. Often at such times I use mental exercises to change my mood or meditations of gratitude.or a prayer of some kind. I seemed unable to choose one. Perhaps this was more of a spiritual lack rather than a problem with depression.

Did anybody love me, I wondered? Did anybody love me?

Ahead, in the distance were some large and lovely trees and beautiful clouds overhead, billowing up for another storm. I found myself talking to them.

“Do you love me, Trees? Do you care about me? Am I acceptable to you? Can you accept me, Trees? Am I okay with you? Please, do you know I’m here? I’m right here. Am I not a child of the universe like you are? Can you keep me company? Do you love me, Trees? Clouds, do you love me. Am I all right with you?

I have been told that we need to surrender and that to whom we surrender does not matter. The idea in surrendering is that you are surrendering to life and therefore, in surrending to life you are no longer separate from life. I think maybe that's what I was trying to do--to surrender myself to the trees and the clouds because I felt so isolated. It was a very healing thing that happened yesterday. Here's how it ended.

I love you, Trees. I love you, Clouds. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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