More Verbal Abuse Problems

Thanks, A.B.

I don't know why I dialed 911. It's not something I've ever done, & I tried to "retract" it asap. I feel stupid. I guess you're right, it was an act of manipulation. Anyway, the last thing in the world I imagined was the police arriving. As I said, I hung up the phone before they answered. It's embarrasing too, because I'm sure the neighbors saw the police come & husband go. I agree w/your analysis, but don't know how my husband views it. I am willing to wager he is pretty livid about it, but he may see it as an act I took on my own behalf. When I filed for divorce, I didn't do it to manipulate, it was for real, but it seemed to send him a message that I wouldn't put up with his antics forever. Alternatively, he may see it as so humiliating that he can't or won't get past it.

Also, this was the very first time I ever agreed he should leave. Usually I would plead for him to stay if he suggested such a thing; this time I encouraged it.

I do understand what you're saying about taking care of onself, & diffusing the power of the anger to control. It's never a good idea to say "this is not acceptable?" When someone rages at us for pressing a wrong button or something equally inane, we just slither away & act like it didn't happen? I've been more or less doing that most of the time, but felt at the end of my rope last night!

I received a note from my sister yesterday. She thanked husband & I for helping & supporting her. I felt upset reading it, due to the fact that my husband's behavior behind the scenes at that time was so appalling. He yelled at me on the way to almost every visit. I still can't believe he could be that heartless. I think reading the note lowered my tolerance for his outbursts, since the other incidents related to her were fresh in my mind.

Would you ever tell your spouse that you had been disappointed by them? Guess it wouldn't matter in my case. He'd just deny it, & blame me for his behavior somehow. It always ends up being my fault.

I know your husband threw tantrums, but I don't think your husband is a narcissist! I see your husband as a very manly man who eventually matured out of throwing tantums since you wisely made them less fun for him. I think he has the capacity to empathize & exercise compassion & remorse, & not just when it's "convenient." I hear what you're saying in the last paragraph though.

I don't know if my husband will return home tonight, or if so when, and if so, what state of mind he will have. He'll more than likely not wish to speak to me. I won't know what to do or say anyway.

Thanks again!

Ginger

YOUR QUESTION: When someone rages at us for pressing a wrong button or something equally inane, should we just slither away & act like it didn't happen? I've been more or less doing that most of the time, but felt at the end of my rope last night!

MY ANSWER: Your question cannot be answered in the same sense that you write it because there is no specific right thing to do in such a situation. This is the trouble with trying to understand things at the periphery. You need to get to the center and you will see a bunch of interconnections that you don't see at the edges of things. In any situation, whether you act out of fear of something or love of something will decide your specific action. Whatever that action, if it comes from the center of your core values and not from fear, that action will be somehow appropriate. Slithering away and acting like something didn't happen is acting out of fear. When you are afraid you behavior is reactive, not proactive.

YOUR QUESTION: Would you ever tell your spouse that you had been disappointed by them? Guess it wouldn't matter in my case. He'd just deny it, & blame me for his behavior somehow. It always ends up being my fault.

MY ANSWER: I might say such a thing. If I said such a thing the outcome would be appropriate to my life if I said it out of love for something. The outcome would be inappropriate to my life in some way if I said it out of fear of something. And remember, it is not so easy, sometimes, to see the difference between love of something, and fear of something. It is a pursuit of excellence, and seeking your core truth, rather than some check-list you could refer to. Wisdom is not easily come by.

The more I think about it the more it suggests to me that calling 911 was an act of uncontrolled rage on your part that things did not turn out to be the way you wanted. Such anger comes from a deep sense of helplessness and repressed fear. That doesn't mean that the outcome of calling 911 will not turn out well in some way, thus making you come out the "winner." See how difficult it is to live life of self-awareness? But then, as Socrates insists "the unexamined life is not worth living."