I didn't wake up with depression this morning. I had it last night and used the "Yes, we have no bananas" song whenever I got up to go to the bathroom. I woke up about 6 a.m. but stayed in bed. I noticed I was slightly depressed but the real futility and hopelessness never really emerged because I kept thinking, "Okay, I'm depressed so I can get up and write about it." But I kept falling back to sleep and by the time I got up at 6:45 a.m. I was so well into planning the morning, thinking about writing my blog, a breakfast appointment with a grandson, chatting with my husband as we made the bed, that any residual depression went away with no exercises. I still had a bit of physical symptoms, tight chest, shallow breath but no real pain in the chest area.
Then I opened my email and got the wonderful comment on the post. I almost said a couple of things yesterday that I thought sounded kind of pretentious or something so I didn't. But now, I don't know, maybe I'll mention what I thought. First thought was, should I keep analyzing my own depression on my blog. Is this helpful to anybody?
Now, clearly, I got that wonderful comment to let me know it isn't all in vain. Not wonderful in that somebody else is suffering for which I am truly sorry to hear. But wonderful in that it makes such a connection to me, my work, my efforts.. Thank you so much BLUEYEDANE I am very grateful. I hope you, too, are feeling okay today.
Another thing I thought was that maybe depression is my "task" on earth for a good reason. Maybe I'm supposed to get depression still so I can study it and pass on what I learn and maybe, in some way, it is a necessary balance to my ongoingness and without this heavy anchor now and then to stop me in my tracks, I might not head in a true course.
But this moment I am so completely okay, and so grateful for my life and my husband, and family and friends at home and all of you out there that I never see face to face and yet we have such a heart connection that means so much to me.
Hopefully I'll be hit by depression in the morning so I can continue my work. Well, that's what I just thought and I decided not to edit it out no matter how phony it might sound. A. B. Curtiss
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2 comments:
Thanks for the concern. I'm feeling ok today. It was a strange thing to wake up and realize everything was ok. The funny thing is that it (my brain) went looking for trouble because that is what it has been used to. I just decided to direct it to the best of my ability elsewhere (not so easy). I do hope you keep blogging. Where else would we get such blatant honesty? Certainly not from the psychologized society. Like you said in your book they can drug us all they want but they can't take the truth away. Can't remember the rest of that quote but it stuck with me partially. I'm willing to do this because others are. I guess I could try to do it by myself but I find it so much more comforting when I know that (Hopefully this won't sound bad) others are going through the same hell but have found ways to start using their brain instead of letting it use them. I have never and don't think I ever will understand the whole "pop a pill" method. I think we have a duty to be there for those that are going through the same thing but have not found out that they have more power over this situation than they could ever realize. "It's just the time for courage. Thats all."
Thanks for reminding me that "success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts." That's winston churchill by the way. Hope you had a good breakfast with your grandson. Thanks again. -Toffer
@ Ginger, Thanks for your comments. I can tell that you are one of those friends that stick with a person through it all. It's very uplifting to see that.
Ms Curtiss, LUV your sense of humor and candidness in the midst of confronting depression!
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