Dear A. B.
I am struggling with issues I have brought to you before. My husband is very unhappy at work. He hasn't pursued another position yet, but expresses a desire to do so when the right thing comes along. In my opinion, he has severe issues with getting along with others...his ego is too wrapped up in "being right" and in how he is being "treated." He is a very smart person, & very good at what he does, I have no doubt. But, job after job, he ends up quite angry & very, very dissatisfied. He has commuted long distances in the past in order to leave a job & go to another. This time, there are no other options within commuting distance. We'd have to move.
I'm working hard to get the house we bought in 2006 (high market) in shape & more updated. I've worked on the house since we moved in actually! Am currently getting ready to have a large master bathroom remodeled. I am not a contractor nor a designer, & I'm pulling it all together myself, trying to get the most impact for as little money as possible & not compromise on quality. I research things like crazy & study up on toilets, tubs, tile, etc.!
Guess my frustration and fear lies here...in all the time, effort, thought, energy & money, that has gone into this house. We've already done kitchen updates, had a big paver patio & walkways installed, & just had a new heating & cooling system put in. We must do all these things to simply sell this house, & we won't get what we paid for it in 2006...not even close.
I also feel frustrated & fearful regarding my husband's work, since this job issue has been an ongoing "crisis" for a quarter of a century now. He seems to derive his entire identity from his work, (which I realize many men do.) Asking him to calm down, chill out, get a life, a hobby, etc., only rubs him the wrong way. He takes his work very seriously...too seriously, I think.
I am grateful that he works so hard & provides well for us, but the situation begs the question...at what price? I don't know how to see this anymore with a positive outlook. I never know what to say to him, what to advise him. I used to naively think that "this time" the new job would make all the difference & he'd finally be happy. It never turns out that way.
Is there an answer? I know so much of how we deal with things rests in how we frame them...how we look at them. I can't seem to find the rosy lens through which to view this now.
Turning our lives upside down & moving again...for what? I feel really depleted and disappointed.
Sincerely,
G
Dear G
Cheer up. You are much too focused on your husband's flaws. It is too bad, really, that he is not living up to your expectations. You can easily see how he could "do it right" and it is frustrating that he continues to live according to his own nature and not yours.
He has taken on the responsibility of supporting a family. He has obstacles of his own personality flaws that obstruct him. He has to work doubly hard.
He is probably over-sensitive to his own feelings and because of that he is insensitive to the feelings of others.Because he is so easily hurt himself, his reality in any interaction is slightly skewed. He gets wounded, then he gets defensive and angry.
This is a common failure in men who are not feminized or who have not undergone sensitivity training. He thinks he is dealing with reality but his reality is slightly different from the reality of others who are part of any interaction with him. Many talented men such as your husband are in a similar mind-set. In lieu of firing a valuable employee, their bosses send them to sensitivity training.
A good counselor can point out the slightly skewed view of reality and the person can begin to "see" things in a different paradigm--in terms of the other's flaws (and the fact that they are doing their best) rather than in terms of their being attacked or devalued by these flawed people.
Your problem, however, is not how to mend your husband's flaws. Your problem is how to bear up under the stress of moving. I know how you feel. I remodeled 5 houses like you did. One house was finished on week and went on the market the next, sold in a month and I was off again. You will have to put your creativity into managing the situation for yourself in a positive way rather than managing your husband.
Remember, anything done out of fear (anger, etc) turns out to be inappropriate to your life. Figure out how to do something for love of something ( order, peace, creativity, self-responsibility in adversity etc.)
This is not easy because, unfortunately, our culture is not supporting you as it did in earlier generations to make sacrifices for your marriage. Today the stability of marriage in general is threatened because the family is no longer considered the pivotal unit of society which exists as the accepted sane way to live in order to nourish the next generation and maintain the civilization.
No, today the individual is considered pivotal unit of society and thus marriage is seen as the way to individual happiness.
In addition, self-responsibility is no longer considered as important as self-esteem and the idea of "being entitled" to the good things of life and "getting your needs met" by others--government, spouse, etc. Thus if your partner is not "meeting your needs" today’s marriage counselors simply advise you to get a divorce and find someone who does meet your needs. And what, therefore, is happening to our culture? We are becoming so loose we are falling apart at the seams—“what families cannot hold together no ship of state can bind.”
Those who are wise will see beyond what they are "entitled to" (more money, better husband, good health) and see what they can manage to create out of whatever adversity comes their way.
Thanks, A B
Yes, I probably am too focused on my husband's flaws! Thought he'd have grown out of a lot of this by now, but guess that I too, still have a lot of growing up to do!
He is probably over-sensitive to his own feelings and because of that he is insensitive to the feelings of others.Because he is so easily hurt himself, his reality in any interaction is slightly skewed. He gets wounded, then he gets defensive and angry.
You summed that up perfectly! Don't think he'd go to a counselor though. I see that it would serve him well to:
...see things in a different paradigm--in terms of the other's flaws (and the fact that they are doing their best) rather than in terms of their being attacked or devalued by these flawed people.
He does seem to often feel attacked! When he's talking about people at work, is there anything I can say to help him feel less defensive & attacked?
In whatever scenario I find myself (& who knows if the house will sell, or when, or where we will end up!) I will focus on making choices that will foster peace and order. I will continue to focus on doing my best with the home improvement projects. I do want to do a good job for the sake of it, & see how much improvement I can achieve with my bath makeover.
Those who are wise will see beyond what they are "entitled to" (more money, better husband, good health) and see what they can manage to create out of whatever adversity comes their way.
Well said! I love your perspective. But then, my husband's job "swapping" doesn't fit with that approach, does it? Could changing the job this time really make a difference? I think I hear you saying that it's better to stick with something and make the most of it, learn from it, and stop thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. Everything, everyplace, and everyone comes with at least one big catch....nothing is perfect.
My husband tells me that he doesn't care if he's jumping from the frying pan into the fire...he just wants to get away from his two bosses. If the next place is bad too, so be it, at least it will be a "different" sort of bad! (He does, however, concede that the rest of the team is pretty good & hard-working, so it's not all bad.)
Your reply helped me so much! Thanks again!
Sincerely,
G
