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Monday, November 15, 2010

The Blog Writer's Depression

I thought I would get up early and write about how I felt and what I thought since I woke up depressed this morning. I didn't do any mind exercises. I thought it might be helpful if I just wrote about my own depression experience while I was in it instead of writing about it after I was out of it. As I was walking downstairs I was thinking, how do I feel, how would I describe it. This was not a HUGE depression, just a small one. I was thinking on a scale of ten, 1 being feeling really wonderful and 10 being in agony, I was like maybe 6 and a half,  maybe 7. Yucky and a little sick.

I should have gone straight to the computer but instead I got myself a drink of water and watered the plants on the way to the computer. Also I checked my email first.The reason I should have gone straight to my blog is because I'm already out of the worst of it. I got an email from a friend who wants to stop by today. So I answered her that I would be home. It got my thoughts going in the direction of planning for day.

Now that I actually am in the act of writing about my depression, the edge is off the worst of the horribleness. The hopelessness is completely gone. It kind of dissolved in the effort of my thinking how I was going to describe it and the competitive thoughts about the day ahead. Perhaps if you think about what you are doing and going to do it kind of puts the lie to hopelessness.. But it is interesting to see that it is the hopelessness and deep sense of futility that goes first. I didn't know that before. Now just the physical symptoms are left.

I remember how I described to myself how I was feeling as I walked downstairs but already the edge is off all of that. I still feel slightly nauseous, like I could throw up if I'm not careful. But it's not quite as sharp. But I can see how, if I continued very long with the thoughts about throwing up and how nauseous I feel I could really get sick. So I'm not going to think about that.

My chest is still very tight and it's still kind of hard to breathe because I feel a weight and pressure squeezing against my chest. But less and less am I able to stick with thinking about how I feel. Already these depressive thoughts are competing with other lines of thinking, I go from thinking about what I'm writing, thinking that I'm anticipating that my friend will be coming, and thinking that when I'm finished I need to get out before the sun really is out so I can do some weeding in the garden.

The physical symptoms are still here when I return my focus on them. But it's not really horrible now. It's just heavy and a little hard to breathe. Just a heavy feeling in my chest, a little painful but not too bad. I do notice how it saps my physical energy, kind of pulling my energy into some kind of black hole in my chest. I do notice a bit of fear in my throat. I could escalate that fear if I started dwelling on it so I am going to turn away from that line of thinking as well.

I'm going to get up now, take the remaining physical symptoms, heaviness and pressure in my chest, little bit of pain there, hard to breathe, a little fear in the back of my throat, I'm going to take a deep breath and go out and do some weeding. A. B. Curtiss

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