QUESTION:
You can see what trouble I’m
in when I tell you my passing thoughts. And thanks for your books by the way. I
am learning so much. I don't watch much
TV and select movies very carefully because I don't want to feel badly about
myself for not measuring up. I also don't want to fill my head with trash. Got
to the point that I was thinking "I need to get into acting or I am a
total failure and have not lived my dream. I should get some minor plastic
surgery improve how I look. I should leave my husband for a rich
man."
I could not have a better
husband, by the way...he is simply one of the most sincere, hardworking and
kind persons on the planet. But it's like you pointed out, he's not rich so I
tend fall into the trap of thinking he is not as good as rich people, and
neither am I. So easy to fall into that. Things really seem to be out of
hand in that regard to my thinking these days. How can I stop thinking like
this, I hate it.
ANSWER:
There’s a phrase in the Desiderata that seems to describe the
problem you are writing about “…if you compare yourself with others you may
become vain or bitter for always there will be greater and less persons than
yourself.”
Of course, notwithstanding we
know better, we all tend a little toward this kind of comparing ourselves
anyway. It’s human nature. We are a herd animal and we need to feel connected
to our fellow in order to feel secure. We also want to check ourselves out so
that we do not do anything or become anything to cause our fellows to reject
us. For a herd animal this is like being given a death warrant. For us humans,
of course, this is hyperbolic to say being rejected is like a death warrant.
But for all of us that flash of hurt is sometimes overwhelming because the
primal instinct that we need to “belong” is still strong within us.
As humans beings, though,
unlike other herd animals, we have our higher deductive reasoning powers which
can come to our aid if we have sufficiently inputted into our memory banks some
education, some ethics, some reasonable familiarity with calling upon our
courage that we can access.
Remember that our brain is a
defense mechanism. Its default position is fear. So when we compare ourselves
with others, fall short of our own or other’s expectations or accomplishments
we are vulnerable. If we know in advance about all this we are, of course,
better prepared to deal with it when it comes upon us.
For all of us, I propose, the
thought “not good enough” is our fall-back position whenever we feel
vulnerable. When we walk into a roomful of strangers. When a friend bests us in
some way.
From this automatic fall-back
position, if we have educated ourselves, another neural pattern can trigger
through learned association with our vulnerable position that reminds us “Hey,
I’m good enough. RELAX. I may not be perfect, but I’m a person
who tries to do the right thing, I am doing the best I can, I’m a person of
good will, I try to give others their due. Why am I kicking myself and knocking
myself out to be better. Than who? For what reason? Ordinary and hardworking?
Isn’t that me? Isn’t that enough? And if no one likes me right now. This is
just the time I have to stand alone. Everybody has times like this. I’m no
different.
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