Depressed Because I Felt Betrayed--Can You Help?

Ms. Curtiss

I am looking for help for my daughter in the way of therapy. I feet that she needs cognitive behavioral therapy. She wants help, but due to her disorder (or disorders) seems to be virtually "helpless" in helping herself. She has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and at the time (3 years ago), depression (her father had died).

I believe, due to the type of personality she has, that she has bouts of depression that come and go. She has been talking about how she wants to find a therapist for two years, but has not acted on it. I was just wondering if you still run a psychiatric practice or not. I am interested to know if there is anyone you might recommend for cognitive behavioral therapy whose outlook on depression is similar to yours. That is what inspired me to contact you.

Also, that my daughter is a similarly highly intelligent and creative mind (poetry/ writing/ love for young children). She sees the world in detail, yet with the wonder of a child, and an awe for all that the world holds (also great respect for the creator) She is a personality that draws people to her like a magnet, but also can incense and anger people greatly as she descends into the other side of her personality. Even so, some people that she has hurt seem incapable of disengaging from her, while others have treated her simply awful, and she becomes greatly hurt (and I believe depressed) when this happens. She does have this air of vulnerability about her, I guess.

I admired a lot of what I was able to read on your depression site and the excerpts from your books. I am an elementary school teacher on the East coast, who has recently been trying to work my way out of a very unexpected and very severe depression related to uncharacteristically sharing my emotions with another human being and basically being blindsided.

I am a Christian, and the lost love who lied to me is a Christian so(mind you it was nothing underhanded - actually he was not emotionally healthy and he just very unexpectedly aborted our whole relationship and stopped talking to me (only e-mails) after having talked love and marriage for months. I guess the fact that I've waited so long (till my daughters were grown), and am a bit on the cautious side (have broken up with men who did not live up to my standards and after a while just stopped dating).

I finally judged this person a safe person to let my guard down with...but having it backfire - well it kind of did me in. (I've forgiven the man - I know that is necessary) But I've just been down on myself because a Christian should have "the joy of the Lord" and not be so self absorbed as to be stuck in a depression, right? Well, I will be purchasing your book, because your "Daily Dozen for Depression" seems to be just what I was looking for and need, in order to get back to (well probably become an even better version of ) my former self.

So any help you could give toward recommending anyone in the NY/NJ metro or Phoenix metro area would be helpful. Either would probably do for my daughter because I believe that she would come home if we found a suitable therapist whom she trusted. Thank you. V.T.




Dear V.T.

Thank you for your letter. I do not take private patients anymore and I don't know any therapists whom I could recommend to you. I am sorry to disappoint you. It is a very sad thing that so many otherwise intelligent people live limited lives because they are so emotionally dependent.

People who get stuck in depression, or in dramatic up-and-down relationships have a dependent relationship to their emotional thoughts in that they cannot think or behave independently of them.

As for depression, it seems to them, when they get depressed, that they have been attacked by a force over which they have no control. Once a person understands how it is possible, by changing their thinking, to switch their neural activity from their emotional brain (subcortex) to their thinking brain (neocortex), their relationship to their depression changes.

When they realize their own thinking has caused their depression, they’re no longer doomed to emotional dependence. They can think and behave independently of raging feelings. They can think and behave independently of both depression and anxiety. They can access their rational faculties even when their emotions are raging.

When they can do this they will also find their relationships with other people change as well. Most people have poor relationships because they are unwittingly using the other person to fill self-satisfaction or happiness needs that they aren't aware of, needs that they should be filling themselves. Emotional maturity eludes many adults, but with the right education, knowledge, and earnest endeavor, anyone can achieve it.

My book Depression is a Choice is about the philosophy of getting out of depression and becoming self-responsible. Brainswitch out of Depression is about the neuroscience of how you get out of depression and become self-responsible.

Although I don't take private patients I am always willing to answer questions via email. I do not charge for this.

As for forgiving someone for their wrongdoing, I see no common-sense reason to do so unless they have asked for forgiveness. Most forgiveness is shallow because people are still into unconscious blaming the other person for wrongdoing even though they think they have forgiven them. Once you realize that blame is the way we avoid fear, forgiveness becomes unnecessary because we never blame anybody in the first place.

If the person who betrayed you is not a good-hearted person, then why should you forgive selfish and inconsiderate behavior? We are supposed to recognize bad behavior, condemn it, and turn from it, not forgive it.

Be sure and read the review of my book Depression is a Choice by Bibliogenesis on the website for it translates many of my terms into Christian terms. A. B.Curtiss
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