Depression Isn't Accepted in my Culture...But

Hi,

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your website and your book. I am a 27 year old Indian woman that's usually happy. I have a loving husband & family, am in great health, have a good career, etc. But I've had prolonged fits of being really sad & stressed about things when they go wrong.

(It is difficult for me to use the "D" word because it is not really accepted in my culture. I actually tend to use the word "stress" instead) :-)

I was going through a period of stress where I was worrying myself sick. I have experienced this more and more since I moved from India to the US. Back home, I had a ton of friends & family to "pull me out". Here I am more alone (though I have a wonderful husband). I have to "pull myself out".

I realize that I'd like to get better about "doing" something to change my environment. When I feel stressed or sad, I keep waiting for the change to come from outside (because back home in India - it usually did) but now I have to initiate the change.

These are very obvious things but you are right. Some people are able to quickly & naturally pull themselves out of a bad mood or situation by redirecting or doing something different. Others dwell on their worries and sorrows and try to "analyze" the heck out of it and it ends up getting worse.

I think it's a fundamental difference between men or women (or at least my husband and me).

When I'm faced with a stressful situation I sit and I think and I analyze and I worry about it. My husband does what he can and then he goes for a game of tennis, or runs, or meets up with a friend. He says it "clears his mind".

He keeps telling me, "let go of your stress and you'll be able to think with a clearer mind". After reading your website, I now see what he's saying - he has a natural response to redirect his focus before his stress or worry gets very intense, while I just haven't developed that yet. But I'm still young. I can learn to do what comes to so many people naturally. And it may change the rest of my life.

Thank you and God bless you. V.

Dear V.

Thank you for your letter. Yes, if you get a better grasp of how your own brain works, you don’t have to just “go along” with your moods. You can change them.
A. B. Curtiss

Dear A. B.

I had a few questions and was wondering if I could ask you for help.

1) I had me a baby 8 months ago - she's a joy
2) I started feeling kinda down soon after the baby was born though it was joyous there are many stressors, conflict in my marriage, the stress of taking care of a baby, etc
3) I've been reading up on postpartum depression. My doctor wanted me to take Prozac (which I refused) because she thinks I may have PPD.

I'm going to see a therapist on Thursday. I feel okay. I'm functioning quite well but I don't quite feel like myself. I also want to figure out ways to build a happier marriage. Right now my marriage has some bumpy patches (all normal I'm sure)

I'm pretty sure I'll be offered a pill. Would you recommend medications at all? (Like Prozac, etc?). I want to start functioning at 100%, and I'm not afraid to do whatever it takes to get there. I'm willing to work hard by exercising, being positive, etc but if salvation is there in a little pill, I'll take that little pill. I've never taken medication before.

BTW, I KNOW what you're saying is true. I'll feel low and then in playing with the baby, there is a sudden mood shift and I'm laughing. So our thoughts influence how we feel, I KNOW that. But the problem is that when I'm not low, I don't have to work hard on my thoughts, they are automatically happy. Now-a-days, I'm finding I have to work harder on my thoughts. I'm wondering if a pill will just fix my base level of happiness so I don't have to work so hard. I'm tired of having to work on it. It isn't fair that I should have to work on it when it's easier for others. V.


Dear V.

I can't give you medical advice, that is up to your medical doctor. You and your doctor must decide if medicine is right for you. On or off medicine, the mind exercises in my book “Brainswitch out of Depression” can help you handle depression, anxiety, insomnia and self-focus (which is the foundation of depression).

I hesitate to be too hard on you when you are struggling, however, your attitude is not very good when you say, "I'm tired of having to work on it. It isn't fair that I should have to work on it when it's easier for others."

Everybody gets depressed but those who work on getting out of it actually build neuronal patterns in the brain so that it gets easier and easier the harder they work at it. If you do the exercises and work on it, it will get easier for you too. But don't think that someone who never gets depressed has it easy. It's just that they already did the hard work of correctly handling their depression and you haven't done that hard work yet.

Comparing yourself to others is a universal problem. It is a way of being self-focused and looking for excuses wherever you fall short. Did you ever think that you have it so much better than many people? It isn't fair that some mother's can't get out of their wheelchairs, or are dying of cancer, or their husband just died in Iraq. You have what is known as a victim's consciousness, and until you change your attitude and become more grateful for the things you do have, you will be having trouble with depression and with your marriage.

You are probably prone to being self-focused and self-absorbed. Our culture is famous for it. It is human nature, we all are prone to it. But those who realize how destructive self-focusing and self-absorption can be, have learned ways to become outer-focused and more interested in other people's welfare than their own.

I would suggest for your marriage that you just try and make your husband happy and your child happy for the next six months, and forget about trying to make yourself happy by getting him to change. If you do this you will probably end up being happier than you have ever been. Read Dr. Laura's Care and Feeding of Husbands. A lot of good ideas there for you. Study my book Brainswitch out of Depression for an understanding of how your mind works so you won't feel overwhelmed by feelings you can't explain. After reading the book you will be able to understand, and handle them. A. B. Curtiss

Hi, A.B.

I agree - I do have it easy compared to many others. And I also agree that the best way to avoid being depressed is to do something for someone else and to not be self absorbed. I didn't realize I had victim mentality till you pointed it out. (I was half joking in my email when I said it was easier for some people but I can see how it came across that way)

Thank you for your answer! I'll keep you posted on how everything goes. V.

Dear V.

I will look forward to your progress reports. A. B. Curtiss

Hi, A. B.

I know that my last 1-2 emails seemed a little off-handed, but it's slightly a mask for what I'm really feeling. I've struggled with depression since I was about 15. The first one or two episodes were even before I knew the meaning of the word depression and was able to link it to my feelings.

I've always been a more introspective, thoughtful child and my parents moved a lot when I was little. I've been to 8 different schools. Some of the transitions were so tough that in my childhood I've fallen into what I now recognize as depression.

I've had a few depressive episodes in my 20s as well. Without my depression - I'm funny, energetic, upbeat, kind, thoughtful. IN the grip of this thing, I'm morose, and a drain on people around me.

People that have seen me in these two separate states have told me that it's literally like seeing two different people.

I have a small child and have not been able to shake off the blues since then. I've blamed my husband, my isolation, the stresses of having a baby, etc. But I know thatit is not a prerequisite for depression.

I'm terrified. As a mother, I HAVE to hold myself together for the sake of my child. I had a cheerful and sane mother and I still turned out a bit of a mess. What will my poor daughter do if I am the way I am?

In all fairness, my father's brother committed suicide at the age of 18. He was brilliant but troubled. So I wonder if there is some genetic bias to what I'm feeling.

I've been on Lexapro for the past week and have been having some bad days. More specifically, I've been dwelling a lot on the fact that my father's brother committed suicide. It's not something we really think about so I'm wondering why I'm thinking about it. I read that Lexapro causes suicidal thoughts in some. And I wonder if that's what is happening to me. Maybe, with me, it's starting with a fascination with the topic.

I'm scared to be taking medication. I want to be normal and free from crushing depression. I want to be a good mother. I'm going to study both of your books and try to get off medication. And I'm going to talk to my doctor about changing my medication or tapering me off.

Please send your good wishes my way. I'm suffering. And just because it's in my mind doesn't make it less real. Please tell me that if I really want to beat this thing, I can do it and be calm and happy. V.

Dear V.

None of us has a guarantee for anything. We do the best we can, educate ourselves, work hard and try to do the right thing. I suffered once as you did. I no longer suffer that way. I educated myself about how my brain worked, I studied ancient wisdom, I made a decision that it would not be an option for me any longer to dwell on a bad thought or a bad feeling. EVER. I made a decision that no matter how bad I felt, that my behavior would be cheerful and upbeat, and I would never put my depression out on those around me. I would handle it myself, by doing the exercises and following the lifestyle I devised for the purpose of getting out of depression whenever it occurs.

I have bad thoughts, bad feelings, they pop up. Sometimes I wake up in the depths of despair. But over the years I have forged new neural patterns in my brain that are almost as automatic as the old depression patterns and I quickly switch over to them from any depressive feelings or anxious thoughts that pop up. It is not easy to change. But with the earnest desire to do so and the willingness to work hard, anyone can do it. Depression just doesn’t, any longer, hold any fear or fascination for me. It is “ho hum” “ugh” “you again” and I quickly turn to real life away from the chemical balance that tries to fool me into thinking it is reality.

You can’t blame your thinking on your genes. You have to take full responsibility for the thoughts that you decide to think. A. B. Curtiss

Hi there, A. B.

I just wanted to provide an update.

BTW. I also sent you some pictures of me and the baby just so that you could put faces to the family that you had been helping. And indeed - it's not just me but my entire family that has been helped.

I have been reading both your books and trying to apply the principles. I agree with all of what you say in your books. I wish that I had learned these coping skills earlier in my life because I've wasted a lot of time in the first 30 years of my life being depressed. I have finally forgiven myself for that because I really didn't have the tools or the knowledge to fight depression when it first hit me as a child. And since then, I've not really been proactive in fighting back.

I really hope to "depression proof" my child and teach her to be happy by ensuring that she has the right attitude. I still don't have all the coping skills but I'm working to develop them.

That being said, I'm now taking a low dose of an anti-depressant (Wellbutrin). I hope to be off it soon and after a month or two will talk to my doctor about tapering.

What you described is so simple yet not really easy. But you are right - you don't have to think any thought just because it comes into your head. You need to stop a train of negative thoughts before it starts a chain reaction within you. I used to get these "thought attacks" that plunge me deeper into depression. But now I'm making it a point to stop the "thought attacks" and refocus so that I can keep my equilibrium and calm.

At the same time, I can tell you that I think that the Wellbutrin helped as well. I used to wake up feeling horrible - stressed with a tight knot in my chest and miserable. For the past few days, I've been waking up feeling calm. (probably thanks to the Wellbutrin) and I am keeping myself that way with the use of your techniques. I hope to be off the medication soon and only use your techniques.

Once that happens, if you'd like me to chronicle my experiences (for your use on the website or in another book), I'm happy to do that. I agree that we cannot blame our genes. We have to take responsibility for our lives. Thank you for all your support. V

Dear V.

Thank you for the pictures. Remember that it is human nature to pay attention first to our warning system, the subcortex. It is very difficult, therefore, to turn away from negative thoughts (warnings) and turn, instead, to our thinking brain (the neocortex) but it is also SIMPLE. Hard but simple. Just remember that and take courage. If it were easy and simple we would not have 50 million people in this country on anti-depressants. It is hard and simple. As you read the books, I'll be glad to answer any questions you have.

I will say one more thing about depression. It is very easy to fall into depression. It is extremely simple to get out of it but at the same time, it is also extremely hard to do because nobody, in the midst of depression or anxious thinking, WANTS to do anything else. We don't WANT to suffer, but we also don't WANT to think of anything except our depression or our self-focus or our worries. It is human nature. So you have to insist. You have to do what is the best thing for you to think, not what you WANT to think. After a while you build a neural pattern of what to think when depression hits and you do it quicker. It's never easy but it is always possible. A. B. Curtiss

Hi A.B.

It's working! I stopped taking any medicines - no more wellbutrin or lexapro.

I no longer believe my thoughts or my moods. When I feel a bad mood come upon me - I just tell myself, "This is not real and I CHOOSE not to dwell on it I CHOOSE not to go there." The word "choose" is very powerful and empowers me to move beyond what is bothering me.

I think you may have read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. He talks about the "pain body" and how it grips you and fools you into thinking it's you but it is NOT you. He first made me "understand" the concept intellectually but your books helped me "execute" the concept practically. So thank you!! Your book has really helped me very much.

The same things have been said to me by many cheerful people (e.g just get busy and you'll feel better, focus on something else and you'll feel better), but I didn’t believe them. I felt they didn't understand what I was going through. When you said it,I believed it because you DID understand what I was going through.

I wish that you hadn't suffered from depression for 30+ years but if it is any consolation - it's precisely because you DID suffer from it that your words ring with truth and authenticity. BTW, it's helped our marriage. In some ways, I saw a reflection of my marriage in your portrait of your marriage in "Depression is a Choice"

My husband is good-hearted but hot tempered. He never gets depressed and can't really understand it and treats it with skepticism. He's cautious, methodical, and organized--the total opposite of me. (When I'm not depressed I'm outgoing, friendly, impulsive, creative, and adventurous)

I always felt he was "holding me back" in life. But I now realize that he complements me. He balances me out and that together we are good parents for our child.

Another interesting anecdote that I wanted to share:

I'm from India and my grandmother used to tell me to recite the "Hanuman Chalisa" when I was troubled. The Hanuman Chalisa is a poem/song about one of our Gods called Hanuman and the story of his life. It is said that if one recites this poem whenever one is troubled, Lord Hanuman will come to the aid of the one who is troubled and give them the "Strength, Wisdom, and Compassion" to overcome their difficulty. (that's a direct line from the poem)

I used to dismiss it because I was too "sophisticated" for such primitive religious rituals. I had a "scientific" mind and wasn't given to "blind faith". It was all fine for my grandmother but not for me.

But you know what - I tried that one day and it works. After you sing about Lord Hanuman's deeds in a long poem (which is quite complicated to remember) - it breaks your neuronal connection with your bad mood and you feel better.

I should have listened to my grandmother after all. :)

Thank you! I am happy to write about my experiences for your website. You may want to write/ compile a book or have a section in your website that has stories from all the people that used your techniques with success. I'd be delighted to write in. V.

Dear V.
Thank you. I’m glad to hear you are doing well. I am going to post our correspondence on my blog. A. B. Curtiss

Dear A. B.

I just wrote a review of your book on amazon.com. Obviously I gave it a 5 star rating. I noticed that some reviewers are people that are depressed and obviously get very defensive.

I know that I have gotten defensive when my husband told me to just "snap out of it" or to think of the fact that there are children who are hungry and compare my situation with them.

The reason that I didn't get defensive when I read your book is that I could see that you were someone who was talking from experience. Maybe you could ask all the people who write in to you, thanking you, to share their reviews on amazon.com, etc. More people should know about your book.

BTW I have a good friend who is on medication right now and has been on medication for depression for 8 years. She's smart, funny, beautiful, but very controlled by her moods. When I pointed her to your website as a good resource, she got upset with me. Also when I told her I was discontinuing my medicine she got really mad at me, and told me I was being irresponsible and messing around with the Doctor's recommendation.

I think she's been brainwashed into thinking she's ill when it is probably just that she's had bad life experiences (she had an unhappy home growing up) that have set her into bad thinking patterns.

Thank you for your books! They've helped me and I am very grateful. V.