Maybe Good Old Lithium is Necessary

Dear A. B. Curtiss

I e-mailed you a few weeks back with the news that your "Depression is a Choice" was helpful. You told me of your new one, "Brainswitch". I bought it and was finding some helpful bits and then I went to Florida with my wife to visit my daughter and her sister. Well, while in the sun and 80+ degrees each day, visiting my one and only daughter, and for the whole week, anxious and worried, and depression started to kick in. You understand?

I'm on vacation and I'm feeling really crappy. Anxiety, and depression, and lack of appetite, social discomfort, wanting to jump out of my skin: the whole 10 yards. Waiting in line to get on plane for 2 hours yesterday almost broke me and, utterly shot, I took a personal day off from work. Dammit, this has me by the throat again. I wish I could think my way out of this and practice your brainswitch techniques, but I called my shrink and said that I want to get on a regular program of lithium again and that was that.

So instead of the Depakote ER I had resisted taking the full course of, I am going back to 900mg lithium. When I start to feel that my life is hopeless, maybe good old lithium is necessary. Hell, combining anxiety, depressed feelings, etc. with news of Iraq, global warming and my own list of why I'm not good enough, I had to do something. I have a family history of depression and undiagnosed manic-depression (my father, born 1911) so rather than kill myself or continue in this misery which you know so well, I have opted out of saving myself by choice or tricking my brain through mind exercises.

Maybe I can go back to your methods when I feel better, because, in truth, I was desperately seeking comfort from the storm when I read your books. Oh, that's another problem. I haven't been able to read well recently. Having to read and reread and reread. Why am I telling you all this? I guess because you have suffered with all this crap I've gone through and because I'd hoped to be able to do this without the drugs I so dislike. Well, I'm going to bite the bullet and take it and get some relief from the misery of self-hatred and anxiety.

Your life story in "Depression is a Choice" was very moving and I don't mean to be a stick in the mud by not being able to cut it without a drug, but the pain is too great and I have felt better with lithium before. Am I supposed to live in misery? I don't think it's supposed to be that way. From age 18 to 55, the grass has always been greener on the other side of the tracks. I've travelled, I've been in love, I enjoyed playing tennis and other sports, but something has always been wrong. Never been able to find what I love to do for work.

B.A. in English and I work as groundskeeper at ------ University with guys that have little in common with me. The list goes on, but let me get off the soap box and say thanks for trying to reach me. Sincerely, B. N.

Dear B. N.

The thing is that there is no cultural support for handling depression or indeed any high anxiety without drugs. There is no accepted alternative method culture-wide, although there are pockets of alternative methods such as my own. The medical establishment has convinced most of us that they we can't be trusted with our own brains au natural. We are convinced that our pain is bigger than we are and that the "black dog" can destroy us unless we tame it with drugs. Where is the faith to buffer our fear? We don't really find it in our culture. Not even in religion. A pastor of a local church just bought my Brainswitch book to help people with depression in his church.

What's the difference between you and me? I think it's just practice and maybe because I have decided to tolerate discomfort--personally, socially, professionally, psychologically, philosophically and physically. I get thrown into terrible depression, usually at night when I wake up. I feel hopeless and helpless but over the years I have built a neural pattern that also triggers at the same time. This pattern says, okay you feel terrible, but you know that you could begin to do the exercises and then you will feel differently in a little while. Come on, why not get going on doing something instead of suffering? I talk to myself at these times. I don't trust myself entirely because depression is overwhelming that way. There is always some residual fear that "I am lost no matter what I do." But for me there is no option. I have decided that there is no option for me except to get going on my techniques and so I am behaviorally and habitually committed to get out of my pain with the practices I have developed.

Therefore, I have built up some trust in myself by living these practices for over 20 years that although it is torture at the moment, I can change my feelings if I simply do the exercises. And it always turns out to be true, because the horrors of depression usually do not last for more than 5 or ten minutes at the most. Sometimes I don't feel really happy and joyful for say half a day, but I tolerate these down times. I don't tolerate the real depression, however. I move pretty quickly to get out of it.

Another thing is that in the back of my mind there is always this kind of dedicated curiosity. Hey why don't I just do the exercises and see if it works this time, too. I even credit myself with such grandiose thoughts (after the depression has past) as thinking, hey, maybe I still get depression so that I can figure new ways to get out of it. Kind of my work on Earth, my contribution to society.

For instance I was doing a booksigning at the local mall and watching hundreds of people file past me. Lots of troubled people wander around in the mall. Generally I am into judging them--too fat, ugly clothes, etc. But I was watching this heavy-set man coming towards me and he had a lot of pain on his face. I could almost see in my mind's eye how people must have abused him when he was young and innocent, ignoring him, bullying him, calling him stupid, embarrassing him. I felt a sudden rush of absolute love for this perfect stranger. Wow. I hadn't felt such a feeling of joy for a long time. Maybe, I thought, joy and love are the same. I knew one could practice joy, I've figured that out. But I never thought about practicing love before. So I tried it during those times when no one was coming up to my table.

I found some interesting things about loving people. I would see these adorable children, all dressed in their best for Easter pictures with the Easter Bunny and they were sweet, but I didn't feel any sudden rush of love for them. I would see nice-looking women or men, well-dressed and seemingly knowing what they were about and I liked them, enjoyed watching them, but it wasn't the same feeling of love that I had experience earlier.

But every once in a while during the next few hours I would catch sight of someone with some obvious flaws, I would think about what they might have had to go through in their lives to cause them this suffering, and again this rush of love would occur. Then I got the thought that maybe I was feeling love for these flawed people because they reminded me of my own flaws, the pain I had once been through.

Then I thought that there was absolutely no difference in my feelings of love for them or the feeling of joy I have felt at other times which was almost like loving myself. Then I thought that this feeling of love is really is the opposite of the depression I was feeling earlier, and maybe you can actually practice loving people. So I've been doing this now and then ever since. I'll probably include it as an exercise in the next edition of “Brainswitch.”

I'm not sure why I told you all of this. But I do sympathsize with the things you said to me. I do feel a sense of kinship with your struggles. I too remember a time when the grass was always greener and I was always looking for life to do better by me. So therefore, I was always kind of angry that I didn't have more what I wanted, and anger is the same as fear and the way we avoid our fear is to blame things and people around us. Mostly I took it out on my husband who was never good enough for me in those days. Now, I am so grateful to have a pleasant companion and I would be devastated if something happened to my dear husband of some 50 years.

Sometimes I get discouraged because I'm not a famous author like J. K. Rowling who writes Harry Potter. I wrote some reviews for books on amazon.com for some books that had similar themes to my new Brainswitch book, and then I mentioned my book. Then people blasted me with comments that my reviews were loathsomely self-promoting. Ouch. Such a public slap in the face. Then I think, oh well, I may be bludgeoned for sticking my neck out, but heck, at least I risk sticking my neck out.

Sometime I feel terribly guilty that I was such a ninny and so clueless when I was raising my children and I can see now in what ways I let them down, and myself down as well in my ignorance. I don't allow myself to feel guilty very long because I know it is just self-focus which I know is the road to emotional Hell and doesn't do me or anybody else any good and I don't go down that road. I get busy with some small positive thing that I can do, even weeding the garden. Then I focus on my weeding and notice later that the sadness and self-focus is gone and I feel more at one with nature and enjoying the clouds in the sky.

Also I can't imagine that, even if I felt bad, that I would ever inflict that on another human being like I used to do. I am always so glad to have the company of another human being to the point that I inevitably think about them with a sense of gratitude for their company, and thinking about what can I offer to them, how I can bring some joy into their life rather than thinking about myself and any emotional needs I might have at the moment.

If life is really difficult, perhaps it is difficult for a reason. Perhaps for us to transcend our problems and fears and grow into a more noble person. There is some dignity in trying to do one's best, trying to do the right thing even in the absence of real joy. I like it that I am always a cheerful person now, even if not always joyful. I like living a life of reason now, after being emotionally unhappy for so many years. Even in those times I lose a feeling of purpose, I can always do the next task with a feeling of good will, if not great joy. And then, often, great joy does come. I would recommend to you that, if you can, you read Viktor Frankl's book “Man's Search for Meaning.” It is a very small book. You can take your time. I hope you do well and if you have any questions I will be glad to answer them if I can. A. B. Curtiss


Dear A. B.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts. It means something to get feedback from someone who has experienced the pain. You know, when I get to that point where I am so uncomfortable that my anxiety goes very high and I'm as tight as a drum and there seems no way out, I guess I panic, get more fearful, unbearably self-conscious, not the least like I am when I am not feeling overwhelmed by this anxiety. It's hard to put a finger on it, but at those times things really do feel nearly hopeless and as though everyone has the right stuff but me. It seems like I have an X on my back at those moments and that some bizarro thing or person will come along at that moment and I will feel at a loss to deal with the situation or a least really uncomfortable

So, in essence, when the black cloud of depression/anxiety comes over me I become very, very uncomfortable in my own skin. Not as good as the next person, extremely critical and full of anger. A mess. I don't feel strong enough to fight it and I feel weak that I have succumbed to the thing and now have begun lithium again. When this blackness kicks in I am afraid. I fear it, other people, places and things. As to the dedicated curiosity you mention, my sense of intellectual power and stamina goes bye-bye.

I truly love your image of the heavy-set man in the mall with a lot of pain on his face. The thought of the abuse he might/must have taken as a child makes me, too, feel the exact burst of "absolute love for this perfect stranger". This is the putting love into practice. I do this now whenever the opportunity presents itself. There's something in seeing another soul that pushes me into that state of love/joy. Don't get me wrong. I haven't gotten it down pat. After all, what about the flawed, hurting, sad person I can see in me? I don't embrace him with the love and joy he needs. I need to do that. That's at least part of the answer. You are on to it when you say that the feeling of love for the other, and for our flawed self is the opposite of depression. Maybe, I agree, we can actually practice loving people. It surely takes the focus off the self. Put this in the next edition of "Brainswitch", for sure.

My wife gets a lot of the anger in me. But she's just the same as the heavy man, inasmuch as, she's gotten heavy, had/has her share of life's difficulty and yet she is kind, honest and decent. I'm going to recall the image of the heavy man (who really is all of us) whose flaws and pain is the source of love and joy when we embrace this soul, whenever I interact with S____, my wife. Thanks for telling me about this love/joy coming from the embracing of our fellow human being's humanity, flaws and all. It has reminded me of the path to follow to get out of self-focus.

J.K. Rowling's got nothing on you after that last pearl of recognizing the pain, and feeling the love. Nothing.

I have read "Man's Search For Meaning" and found it to be moving and very important. In fact, I wrote to him 25 yrs. or so ago to inquire about finding a therapist who utilized his "logotherapy" and he wrote me a letter greeting me and telling me of a therapist at a Wesleyan College 20-30 miles from here. I went to see the man and he wanted to put me on librium and the expense of the therapy was too much so that was that. The letter is around here still and maybe my wife will tell me where the little strongbox is that the letter is in.

I think Dr. Frankl died back in the early 90's. I will try to locate a copy of his book here in the house and if I can tolerate the Nazi brutality, I will read it again. Thanks for your thoughts and openness. It is comforting to know that you are out there. Oh by the way, I took your advice when I read your e-mail earlier today and did "some small positive thing(s)". I feel better, as a result. A small victory for your philosophy. It has turned into a sunnyish, early spring afternoon (3:15) and I will now go out and do some raking of the front lawn. I feel the weight getting a bit lighter. Thanks again. B.N.

Dear B.N.

You are welcome. There is great truth in that old saying that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. What do we fear? We fear loss of what we want, not what we have. Fear accepted is fear weakened. Accept your fear, your discomfort, your faults, your present unpleasant situation and then you have nothing to lose. The fear will lessen because you are no longer afraid you will be fired from what you want, from your heart's desires, you have already quit. Not accepting our present reality means that we are still trying to change reality, which can't be changed, so naturally we will always lose. As long as we are into changing reality, we will always be fearful.
A. B. Curtiss