Dear A.B.
One part confuses me though. Do you always have to remain
active (busy) to stay sane? Does that not leave us always on the run? My sister
has terrible anxiety and is always running, she is afraid to stop doing. Do tasks
save our sanity? R.
Dear
R.
Tasks
save our sanity when we need our sanity saved. However this needing to save our
sanity is just during those times when we are in a stressed state of alarm mode.
In
general It is helpful to have a place in life where you feel like you have a
home and can relax at times instead of always rushing and doing. It could be
taking care of your spouse or your family. Many people make their job a kind of
“home” where you have people to interact with, help, share your daily stories.
Which is probably why statistics indicate that so many people die within 18 months
of retirement. If you are planning to retire, make sure you have some place or
craft or activity with others to retire to.
If
you don’t have such a place, no problem, you can make one. If you have a job,
that’s a good place to start. Instead of seeing your co-workers or customers as
just co-workers and customers, you can begin to think of them as fellow
creatures on your daily path, who have their flaws and drawbacks and challenges
and need to feel connected just as you do. You never know when your friendly
greeting or some spontaneous kind word can help someone else feel less alone in
the world. Believe me, thinking of others instead of always self-focusing is
the best way in the world to free yourself from downer thinking.
One
of the ways I feel connected is through my writing. I meet people when I do
booksignings and when I answer their questions either in person or via email,
it helps to give me purpose in life.
It
might take a while to find your “place” if you are starting from scratch. In
that case you will find that just talking to clerks in a store or fellow
passengers waiting for the bus or subway, and seeing them as the real people
they are, can give you a moment of connectedness with the world at large. Then
you can graduate from this to maybe joining some neighborhood group to connect
with people who have interests similar to yours.
Remember
that it’s always easier to see other people’s flaws than it is to see your own.
What might be helpful here is to review Kent Keith’s Ten Paradoxical
Commandments which is kind of a further extension of the “golden rule.”. It
actually gives you a good framework to look newly upon your fellow man with
love and compassion and a rich feeling of connectedness instead of fear and judgment ending a sad feeling of alienation.
Here
are the first two of the Ten Paradoxical Commandments:
People are illogical, unreasonable and self-centered
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you
of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
A.
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