Crying and Screaming at my Husband

Hi A.B.

Had a horrible, rough night. Have been doing better for the last 2 weeks, then boom. Picked a huge fight with my husband last night, no one got any food or sleep. He had to go to work exhausted. I Feel so guilty.

I’m frustrated about not being able to get a job since the move. I can't even find a volunteer job! Is my whole life supposed to be about choosing paint colors, making my house look good? I have decorated myself dizzy & applied for about a job a week since last March. Haven't been called for a single interview. I want to make a contribution but can't find a way. I feel I'm trying so hard to make my life work. When my husband retires in 13 years, will I be able to contribute financially? Said all this to husband while screaming and crying, and he wasn't sympathetic. That just upset me more.

What can I say, do, when husband comes home tonight (assuming he does)? I feel I did damage to our relationship. He looked so depleted this morning. What would you do? G. O.

Dear G. O.

Men don't take well to your kind of angst where there is no real problem, just your inability to make your day work for you. They feel like you are blaming them, and thus cannot give you sympathy for they believe you are attacking them, accusing them of some kind of maltreatment, and they have to use all their emotional strength just to defend themselves against your onslaught. So they have no energy for seeing your side.

My suggestion is that you just simply go belly up and apologize profusely for your upset and then tell him all the things you appreciate about him.

How about Meals on Wheels for volunteering? Or check with your local hospital. It is hard to believe that you can't find some place that doesn't need a good pair of hands for volunteering. How about working for some airline on the ticket counter then you can get free travel. One of my friends worked on the counter for American Airlines even though she could have continued in psychiatric social work for which she had great credentials. When she retired she and her husband traveled all over the world free.

As far as your husband is concerned I would suggest that you try to make him happy instead of using him to try and make yourself happy. Happiness is quite over-rated. Caring for other people is what gets you what you really want. A. B.

Dear A. B.

Thanks! Fabulous feedback! Your insights as usual, are right on. Will follow through & keep these words of wisdom in mind. I really think that your next book should be about marriage! Like all your books, it would be oh so refreshing among the sea of psychobabble tomes.

Sincerely, G.O.