My Husband is Verbally Abusive

Dear AB

My husband is verbally abusive & emotionally abusive. He has not spoken to me since last Friday night, when at dinner, I said I was very tired & I was not very conversant. That night he slept on a sofa downstairs & he has not returned or spoken to me since. This is on the heels of a big blow-up about a month ago over a conversation about a traffic light! After yelling at me for hours he did not speak to me for several days.

What should I do now, as he refuses to talk to me & the days pass by? I don't want to "chase" after him, that only makes things worse. I don't know how not to look needy & clingy & yet approach him. My husband has much disdain for neediness, clinginess & any signs of weakness or vulnerability. I want to look strong & nonchalant but also want to put this silence to rest. This is not a good way to live.

Thanks! G.O.

Dear G.O.

Try something different for a change. Find a good book to read, or movies to watch and wait him out. You didn't feel like talking for the evening. Maybe he doesn't feel like talking for a month. Wouldn't it be interesting to find out how long he'll go. Be pleasant. You can still talk to him whether or not he talks to you. So what if he doesn't answer?

He is trying to make you feel bad by not talking to you, an old bully trick, perhaps because, like you, he doesn’t know how else to handle this situation. This is the only game he knows. But the bully trick doesn't work if you simply don't feel bad. Here's his game: He's not talking to you and you feel bad. Here's your game: He's not talking to you and you feel just fine, and you are still pleasant and talk to him. A. B.

Dear A. B.

Thanks so much! I hear ya! G. O.