Saturday, January 23, 2010
Social Anxiety, Repressed Fear, Beating Depression
Social Anxiety, Repressed Fear, Bi-Polar, Depression
Very often I get a letter and answer it and afterward there may be a flurry of correspondence back and forth for a couple of weeks. Then, often, I may not hear from the same person for several months, or even several years until they have another question that they would like answered. Here is a flurry of such correspondence
Dear A. B. Curtiss
I have been on the same path as you, but alone, did not know there was anyone else out there!!! So reassuring, (and confirming) to read the info at your website.
Also, are you at able to do one or two phone sessions? (I read that you are not taking private patients anymore) Perhaps just the thought control will cure the panic (since when the depression goes away, so will the panic) but I would love to discuss this further with you. Thanks so much!! R.A.
Dear R. A.
I am glad to correspond with you via email and I will answer your questions within your letter so it is less confusing to me and I can remember where I am. A. B. Curtiss
Dear A. B. Curtiss
Thanks so much for getting back to me!
I have spent numerous hours at your website and have gotten so much out of it. Largely the info there is a confirmation that what I have been doing to help myself is indeed correct, that I am in fact on the right path. For this I am very grateful to you!
Still I do have a few questions:
YOUR QUESTION TO ME: You mention that you still struggle with depression. I believe that you mention hopeless, helpless thoughts almost every day when you wake up. Granted, you ARE able to switch out of it within a few minutes but I would have thought by now that those neural pathways would have been so modified that you would not have to do this daily work of brainswitching. I guess it also makes me a little hopeless: i.e. Well, if you still have those neural pathways operating-- after ALL the work you have done on yourself, -- how I
am I supposed to have success? (granted -- another negative thought that I need to switch from!)
MY ANSWER: Whatever you have thought at one time remains in your memory banks and can be triggered off by a sight, a sound, something in your dreams. I have very strong depressive neural patterns because I spent 30 years being depressed. So almost every day, when I wake in the morning, since I have no control over my thoughts when asleep, I have temporary depression. I say temporary because I also have strong neural patterns made in the last 20 years that trigger off whenever depression hits, and says “do an exercise.” There is also the thought triggered at the same time, through learned association, that says “remember this is not reality, this is just depression.” It still feels agonizingly bad but I go forward with my exercise, and morning chores, and I ignore the horrible feelings. If the depression is a bad one, I revert back and forth to some dumb exercise when it seems necessary to thoughtjam my feelings.
YOUR QUESTION TO ME: Is it possible to totally transform ourselves so that these old neural pathways are no longer? Or is that unrealistic?
MY ANSWER TO YOU: Again, whatever you have thought at one time remains in your memory banks and can be triggered off by a sight, a sound, something in your dreams. But, also, no matter what neural patterns are in your brain, you don’t have to think them if they happen to pop up. You can just refuse to think them. You can always choose to think another pattern, or do an exercise. Those neural patterns that are used less tend to take a back seat to neural patterns that are used more often. For me, my exercise patterns can immediately be made more dominant than my depressive patterns.
YOUR QUESTION TO ME: I am convinced that your approach for me is the best approach and yet I cannot help but think that for some it is important to explore what the depression means. I am thinking of someone like my brother. He is not at all self-analytical and so is a stranger to himself. He has no idea what makes him tick and no understanding of how the dysfunctional home in which we grew up is inextricably related to the anger and poor self image that he experiences today. Instead his wife has discouraged any form of self-inquiry and told him "don't think about it", "just do it," "stay active." As a result this poor man is essentially a hollow person, a time-bomb, a person who would fall apart if she ever left him or died. For him, I think self-focus is necessary and that all he is doing is repressing his hurt, anger etc from his past. I don't think brainswitching – which he is doing already-- is the answer.
However for someone like myself who HAS been very introspective and self-focused, it is critical to shift out of feelings. After years of therapy, my feelings have no more to tell me and if I stay with them I am just wallowing. But my brother has never explored feelings and I think that he is doing a tremendous disservice to himself. The issue is probably not black or white and I would really appreciate your comments and clarification.
MY ANSWER TO YOU: I would have to hear from your brother to comment on his situation. For people who are self-focused, as you say you are, it is better to start re-connecting with present reality by being outwardly, objectively focused on someone, or something else rather than inwardly and subjectively focused on yourself and your own feelings
YOUR QUESTION TO ME: Finally re: the intense social anxiety with panic and hyperventilation: I have made great strides in overcoming this condition (logically I am 100% aware that no one is judging me, and yet in my gut is it as if they are -- I"feel" like they have me under a microscope, will criticize, reject, yada, yada, yada). My body tenses, my breathing is significantly altered. I tried some breathing programs unsuccessfully and of late I have decided to just alter my thinking -- since from doing this I HAVE witnessed a few glimmers of improved breathing. Given the panic, I have major difficulty holding a job, dating, etc. The difficulties then lead to discouraging thoughts -- which then sets me up for more panic... a vicious cycle.
I know the answer is CONSTANT ATTENTION to what thoughts I am choosing to think and yet my level of disability is severe, and it is so very difficult to stay positive in the wake of such paralysis (which of course still doesn't mean that I cannot!)
MY ANSWER TO YOU:
Yes, self focus is a bad habit. Even if you start out feeling good, you soon get into self-judging and withdraw from others. When you are sufficiently withdrawn, then you blame others for being cold and judgmental when it is you, yourself, that has withdrawn. The answer is to re-connect in some small way. If you are afraid to talk to a guest, talk to a waiter or maid. Anything to get out of your own (cold and uncomfortable)dark fantasy world into present reality, where most people are kind and forthcoming. If you hit a dud who has their own problems, go on to someone else. Pet the dog if you run out of options. Or look around you and focus on the furniture or architecture until you are in present reality and out of your head.
YOUR QUESTION TO ME: Also, I would be curious to hear what your experience has been with directed thinking and anxiety disorders, or better yet social anxiety. Do you think the tools you suggest are just as effective with panic as they are with depression? (Perhaps you address this in your new latest book.)
MY ANSWER TO YOU: I do address this more fully in my BRAINSWITCH OUT OF DEPRESSION book. Anxiety and panic attacks are better treated with deep breathing exercises than brainswitching exercises. I call it “Belly Breathing.” Put your hand on your belly and make sure your hand goes up when you breathe in and comes down when you breathe out. Focus on your breathing for about 20 minutes.
Social anxiety is a matter of habitual self-focus, repressed fear, and lack of practice in risking yourself in social situations. In your DEPRESSION IS A CHOICE book, Chapter 10, I discuss getting in touch with repressed fear. I always recommend taking a course in Toastmasters, Int’l, to do some public speaking. This often puts people in touch with their repressed fear so they really know what fear feels like, allows them to risk themselves in a social situation, and lets them see that others are also afraid to get up and risk themselves socially by speaking in public. A. B. Curtiss
Dear A. B.
I am trying to avoid antidepressants -- largely because I think they are unsafe, AND for me I need to know that I -- the powerful one -- am doing it and not a pill . (Because I give my power away when I need, in fact, to become aware of how powerful I am!) But my question. I find that I have to thoughtjam CONSTANTLY. No sooner do I do it for a few minutes, I am back to square one. It just doesn’t seem to be getting any easier and I get so discouraged. Of course, there are real things that bother me -- loneliness, fatigue, etc -- but these are facts of life at times and should not cause overwhelming depression.
But in me they do cause overwhelming depression....I have always been fragile, my heart on my sleeve, and my parents (gone now) were chronically suicidal and used me to rescue them! Their view of life was extremely BLEAK and I have had to try and get a new value system...not easy. At this point I literally have to thought jam all day long. There is nothing easy about it. Does thoughtjamming get easier? Am I doing something wrong? I do think about suicide a lot though have no immediate plans at all -- just something that is there as an option if life becomes at some point too unbearable due to health issues, poverty, etc.
Dear R. A.
If you do feel suicidal, call 911 or the suicide hotlines. A good thing to write these numbers down when you’re not suicidal, so you have them it if you need them. Here's some numbers to use in case you feel you can't go on.
1-800-SUICIDE/1-800-784-2433; 1-800-273-TALK / 1-800-273-8255
Thoughts are powerful because they have an immediate effect on brain chemistry. However they are not, in themselves sentient, or even accurate. Whatever you have thought before leaves its physical record in the memory system of your brain and provides a history and framework for the continuity of thinking you need to do to make your way in the world.
But you can decide at any time to provide new thoughts for those memory banks. As you use a thought over and over it becomes more prominent in the memory banks, which is why we use of positive affirmation. But positive affirmation will not erase negative thoughts that are already in your memory bank. The thing is you don't have to use the negative thoughts and can turn away from them when they happen to pop up through learned association (which is how the brain works and how you get from one thought to another). The brain always follows the direction of its most current dominant thought. Thinking a thought repetitively makes it dominant.
However, it is not enough to get rid of depressive thinking in order to have a successful, healthy life. Strategies for thoughtjamming incessent downer thinking is great. Knowing how to get out of that painful despair is great. But this is just getting to neutral. One is not yet really in gear. It is necessary to develop other work, craft, activities, relationships, hobbies that will engage your interest, and therefore your thinking, so that your thinking patterns about new interests and new work of hand will soon become more dominant than your depressive, empty thinking.
It is not enough to say you have no interests. You must find interests by trying things out. Some will fall away and others will take root in your heart. This is the way we learn to love other things and other people. By simply concentrating on them and making an investment in them. Where there is empty spaces in your life, depression will fill in. You have to fill up those spaces with new creativity so that depression and intense, neurotic self-criticism has no home. Hope this helps. A. B.
Dear A. B.
Thanks so much ...a very interesting answer. So we should regard our brains almost like machines...and that most thoughts (at least the negative ones) are completely meaningless? And so do you mean that there is no validity to the concept of self worth? That when a person thinks of themselves as worthless it's all just meaningless thoughts?
When we change the thought, or do an activity, will that overtime change the neural pathway -- or will this constant thought changing be required for decades more? The reason I ask is that you, who have worked on yourself for many years, still apparently still has to struggle to change thoughts. It sounds like it doesn’t really get any easier??? Perhaps unrealistically I am striving for a day when these toxic thoughts won’t be there, when I will feel normal, self-confident. There is this deep-seated sense of shame that is always present. I feel defective, damaged, even though rationally I know we are all born into this world perfect. And endless discussion in therapy re: one's worth just seems to compound the problem.
Dear R. A.
Yes, the neural pathways change over time and it does get easier. But it's like life. You never know when life is going to get tough. But fear not, when things get difficult, you re-commit to doing the "next task." The thought that there is always "the next task" is one of the most important principles in my life.
As for self-confidence. Personally I don't think it is necessary to have a feeling of self worth in order to make something positive out of your day. Simply move forward, do not allow yourself the option of negative thinking of any kind and look for the next task. There is no way to heal ourselves from any wrong thinking, including the fact that we are worthless, which most therapy tries vainly and I think wrongly to accomplish. We just need to not think those unhelpful thoughts when they pop up.
Maybe a feeling of unworthiness is our core belief (I think it is mine). When I get that overwhelming feeling of unworthiness I remember that, for some reason, perhaps formed as a child, it is just my core belief. However, that doesn't mean it is true, and I don't have to act upon such a negative principle. I then turn to different, more profitable thinking. If I allow myself, I can always spiral down to the fact that I'm not good enough. But instead, I think, okay, so I'm not good enough. That's okay. I'm not good enough. Then I simply look for the next thing to do.
Who knows, maybe a deep-seated feeling that I'm not good enough has been the impetus that has propelled me all my life to achieve things, be a risk-taker and try to improve myself.
Practically speaking, what difference does it make, anyway, that I'm not good enough? Or that I'm worthless? It is a non-productive thought that just shouldn't be an option to entertain whenever it pops up.
As far as feelings of worthlessness caused by thoughts in your memory banks, these can simply be noticed and transcended by becoming more interested in what you can do with your day rather than interesting yourself so much in what dark fears you are feeling at the moment.
People used to rely on principles such as bravery, kindness (to yourself and others) helping others, which today are out of style. People want to be happy today, they no longer wish to be noble. But it is nobility of spirit that brings one true connection with the cosmos. People used to pursue nobility by turning in the direction of the good, the true, and the beautiful.
I'm afraid that what people seek in wanting self-worth is only the permission of others that they are really okay. You can give yourself permission that you are really okay. As for feeling normal, each person is unique and we feel a communion with others only when we can be kind to ourselves and one another. Trying to obtain self-worth is only trying to be better than one another.
All social and performance anxiety is caused by self-focus. You just need to recognize that you are self-focused then start to focus more on objective reality. Okay, what specific thing ought I to do next? If you are afraid to talk to someone, recognize your fear, and talk to them anyway. Who cares if you shake, at first. You need the practice. Really, it's okay if you're not okay. It's okay with me that I'm not okay. And sometimes I even feel okay. That's okay too. And it's okay if I lose that okay feeling. The best thing for social anxiety is to take a Toastmasters' International course which most cities offer at a very low cost. A. B.
Dear A. B.
I am having the challenge of my life. Have had to drop out of my MSW program because of social and performance anxiety, a problem I have had lifelong owing to the a lot of distorted family of origin notions re: status/achievement/ recognition, and that without these one has no worth. I am having many suicidal thoughts
(don’t worry, no plan). But also, working with a therapist about this may FINALLY be my opportunity to find peace and a sense of worth independent of one's credentials. It is so hard to stay hopeful when the same patterns are at work as when I was 16!! (in spite of lots of therapy).
So now my big challenge is to find peace and healing --difficult to do when one does not believe in a supreme being -- if I have any religion at all it is that of a unitarian/humanist.
You say "simply move forward". Do you think it is that simple? It requires so much will and determination to REPEATEDLY change thought after thought after thought after thought, yada, yada. Where does that one get that will when one feels so defeated and depressed? Perhaps you would just say -- do it anyway and life will start to shift? Thanks. R. A.
Dear R. A.
Do it anyway and life will start to shift is not easy. It is very simple and also very hard. If it were easy we would not have untold millions of otherwise okay Americans taking drugs every day, and running around to psychiatrists to get them to tell them they are okay or to give them the magic word that will make everything all right. It will not every happen that absolutely everything is all right, all the time. Life is just pockets of okayness sandwiched between pockets of pain, and we make our way though the maze trying to be kind to others and to ourselves. It is always hard to get out of self-focus and that never changes. But you do get stronger and more able to do it because you build a neural thought pattern that says "hey, you're self-focused, get busy and focus on somebody else (if you are in a social situation) or get busy on some chore or think or do something positive RIGHT NOW.
A great exercise when you are in despair is to say over and over to yourself: "Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with yourself."
You always have the will to do a difficult thing, it is just motivation that you lack. So your earnest intention to be a better person can provide the motivation. A. B.
Dear A. B.
I am profoundly grateful for your responses. They have helped already! Rumination is a killer and and your approach, along with some other things I have learned, helps a lot. I still have a few more questions and if my emails get to be a burden, please let me know. It's just that I am so hungry for answers, having suffered for decades in spite of supposedly good therapy.
As I mentioned I have given up the MSW program and am going to give myself permission for the first time in my life to not work (except for 8-10 hrs a week when I take a couple of retarded adults for outings -- $10/hr!), or go to school. I cannot afford to let my health suffer. Money will be extremely tight but I should get an inheritance relatively soon which will insure some degree of financial stability-- right now I have none, having lost all jobs due to anxiety.....I will use your approach along with some others (including Toastmasters!) to deal with this perfection/social anxiety. I have made the startling discovery late in life that if I alleviate the depression, I do a lot to reduce anxiety symptoms.
Last, I am fortunate to have the counseling support of a pastoral counselor/retired minister who has helped me more than all the therapists combined. His approach is similar to yours and yet I foolishly dismissed it because he didn't have the credentials and the pedigrees. Anyway, thanks again for your kindness. You are indeed a maverick in the field and I think that possibly I can turn things around. R.A.
Dear R. A.
Truth is truth. It needs no credentials.
What some psychiatrists are missing, I'm afraid, is that depression is a chemical reaction in the brain that is extremely painful but it can be immediately alleviated by manipulating the thinking process that caused it. They are trying to put two separate boxes (normal sadness and depressive disorder) into a single disease syndrome. What they need to do is realize that normal sadness can get out of hand, trigger the fight or flight response and end up in what they call depressive disorder. But for either depressive disorder or normal sadness, the cure is the same. Brainswitch from the subcortex, where all the pain is, to the neocortex where there is never any pain. This is possible to do because of the process of pain perception, which most psychiatrists have never heard of.
Dear A. B.
Question: Do you believe that brainswitching is key to also recovering from anxiety disorders? I carry such shame inside of me (yes, I do try to brainswitch out of it, and yes, I rationally know I deserve to feel ok about myself). But when I meet others, I feel very insecure and then this leads to panic. If I brainswitch continually (along with toastmasters and other social interacting) do you really think that at 62 I can change life-long patterns (neural pathways) of depressive, suicidal, and feelings of inferiority?
I realize there are no guarantees but based on your understanding of the brain, what do you think? I need hope.. I have been brainswitching continually lately but very little changes...I end up back in the the pits. And I truly don’t know how to find this new value system that tells me I am all right when I have failed at all jobs due to social/perfection anxiety. I have gone through most of my money, am living on 22K a year --hoping that there will be an inheritance there when my Mom goes.
Everyone in my immediate and extended familiies are PHDs, MDs, lawyers, and then there is me. I am working so hard to divorce my self from the family values that says you are only all right IF you achieve and have a high status position -- but the conditioning goes so deep...so hard to feel ok. Look forward to getting your comments.
Thank you, R. A.
Dear R.A.,
Of course you can change. You are always your own idea of yourself. All the pain comes from self-focus. The main thing is you will never feel at home until you find some craft or some work of hand that you can take an interest in--oil painting, writing, volunteering, yoga. You need also to find some companionship in friends with whom you can interact in some ways--you can do this with local book clubs (all the Barnes and Nobles and libraries have them) and groups like Toastmasters--also take yoga or some kind of classes at the local gym or adult education group. There may be theosophical groups nearby which you might find interesting. You could even become a massage therapist for this hands-on work would connect you with humanity in a good way.
It isn’t that you would want to do these because you need to build up credentials for yourself or otherwise you will be worthless. You do these things because what else are you going to do with your day? This all takes effort but you have plenty of time because you can use the time you used to spend in agony, depression and panic. You will always feel some jealousy for those who have more, especially your family, it is human nature. But those jealousies can be immediately recognized as human nature, and they can be accepted and let go instead of beating yourself up that you shouldn't feel that way.
I didn't go to graduate school until I was 48 I became a therapist after the age of 50. I still feel that old agony in the mornings but as soon as I get up and get about my day, it simply fades away--it's just chemistry after all, and I can always use the little dumb exercises, too, for the little while it takes to get out of it. You are the only one who can make a life for yourself. You don't need to wait until somebody fixes you. Accept that you are broken and move forward the best you can. Call yourself a beginner and begin. When you become afraid, call upon your courage and move forward. Your courage may be weak now but it will grow as you exercise it. Things can change. Fear is an alarm that is supposed to move us to action. Right now you stop with the fear and allow the painful clanging of the alarm to paralyze you. You are not really paralyzed. Just afraid to go forward. You can go forward. A. B.
Dear A. B.
I guess I am also wondering about whether one should attempt to always brainswitch even when going through the normal grieving process. As human beings, don't we need to feel loss and mourn? Is brainwitching a good idea for all negative emotions? For example, I am grieving the loss of giving up the MSW program. Isnt some pain and mourning appropriate, or would you recommend brainswitching? It gets confusing for me. Of course, if I stay with the feelings of loss/mourning, I cycle down into a severe "poor me"/depression so maybe given that I can't have the luxury of a normal grieving process? I would be very grateful if you can clarify.
Dear R. A.
Personally I don't like to suffer so I brainswitch all the time. I honor my losses with some sadness and mourning but, since I know these feelings can easily and quickly get corrupted into mere chemistry if I let them go on too long, I feel this way about negative thinking. It should never be an option. Mourning, yes. But mourning is not a lengthy activity. It is a recognition and sacred ceremony of immediate acceptance, not a hopeless wallowing in pain. What good does a negative thought do anybody? So why allow it?
Just remember than an idle mind is the devil's workshop as the old saying goes. If you are not engaged productively in some reasonable entertainment, or chore, or daily activity, and just wander around aimlessly or vegetate, then your mind will look for trouble in its old memory banks because this is the mind's job: looking for trouble. A. B.
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