I've Been in a Dark Place for Months

Dear A.B.

Have been referring to "Brainswitch out of Depression" frequently lately as I have been in a very dark place for months. I must be a really tough case! On page 148-49 you write about seeking out the negative. Opt instead for positive thinking & behavior, you say. Also, we shouldn't pay attention to what our brain is telling us, we can think any thought we want, we are not our thoughts! I love that! I find solace in the idea, but find it so hard to implement!

For months, I've been on a thinking loop regarding the house we purchased almost 2 years ago. Worst mistake of my life! What was I thinking? This neighborhood isn't me. We paid way too much for this. Will we ever get our money back when we sell it? I miss my old house (which was old) surrounded by other old houses. I miss the community in the other state I was living in. Also, the people who bought our previous house are suing us. We go to arbitration in May. That takes me to a dark place, but I'm trying to use your ideas in "Brainswitch" and not go there. Trouble is, I feel like I'm being silly or childish, or not serious enough if I'm not worried all the time. But my brain NEEDS a break! I'm wearing myself out! I hurt physically so much last week I could hardly walk for a couple of days, but that fortunately has eased up this week.

"You can render any thought powerless by your refusal to think it," you write. That is comforting, but have you bumped into feelings of guilt or concern that you are being infantile & going into denial? People say all the time, "face the music, smell the coffee, don't put your head in the sand." Also, I guess my other hang-up that blocks me from positive thinking is fear of being disappointed. Could I handle the crash? Wouldn't it be better to keep expectations low & then disappointment & loss won't sting as much? That's a real fear & obstacle for me!

Thanks for the great new book & for listening! G.O.

Dear G. O.

Face the music? Well, you can see right away that you feel bad. Isn't that facing it? Okay you've faced it. That takes a few seconds. Now move on! Facing the music doesn't mean listening to it 24 hours a day. The thing about suffering and anxiety and guilt and all those things is that they don't profit you one bit. Since they don't do any good at all, they simply should not be an option. They are an alarm that gets us to look at our lives. So we can see the dangers and we know where to put our efforts and get to work. We are not supposed to stay in alarm mode and have our brain go clanging on like a fire alarm for days. Hey, the bell goes off, we look around, and do some positive thing.

When you talk about fearing to face disappointment this just means that you still have a lot of repressed fear you are dealing with. Read Chap 10 in Depression is a Choice. Nobody likes disappointment. But disappointment is just another one of those alarms. We face it, take what wisdom out of it we can for future use, and move on.

Instead of spending so much time missing your old house which gets you nowhere, spend some effort doing something that will improve the situation you are now in so you like it better. As for the suit. Do your best and let the rest fall away from you as you seek the next positive thing you can do.

Hope this helps. A.B.

Dear A. B.

Thank you A.B for the thoughtful response. Your comments about fear ring very true for me. I am aware of fears I have--fears of things going wrong, turning out badly, car accidents, things like that. My poor husband has to drive with the world's worst backseat driver when we go out. I'm really a scaredy cat in the car! My own driving "territory" is very limited. I am terrified of driving on the highway, I don't, especially where we live now--a densely populated area with crazy traffic. Accidents are reported on local news daily. I'm 45 & I see "old ladies" driving to places I wouldn't dare. I've been like this for many years.

In addition, I'm sure I have fears I'm not even aware of. In "Brainswitch of the Depression" you speak much about fear. I also revisited Chap 10 in "Depression is a Choice."

I may be so engulfed & entrenched in fear that I can't extricate myself from it. On pg. 227 in "Brainswitch" you give a laundry list of childhood terrors. I relate to most of them. Screaming alcoholic mother, no father (parents divorced when I was in the womb) bullied at school, lived in neighborhood without other kids-isolated. I don't dwell on my past. No one would ever guess I grew up this way. I know that I am poised, well-mannered, attractive and well-regarded in whatever setting I have found myself, yet, I see myself on pgs. 226-227 as you address the immaturity issue. Yes, the fear manifested in my driving limits has definitely held me back from opportunities.

I also wonder about "secondary gain." Do some of us cling to negativity, complain incessantly, etc. to play the "victim card?" A card that seems to carry a lot of currency in today's world? Honestly, I think I'd rather have someone feel sorry for me than think I'm so glorious that I should run for president! G.O.

Dear G. O.

It is great that you know you are afraid in traffic. You are not really afraid of traffic. This is old repressed fear being projected on traffic. So the way to get in touch with your repressed fear is when you are driving with your husband, don't backseat drive. Simply ride the fear and feel it. It will feel like you are dying. You are not dying. Your fear is dying. This is a wonderful opportunity for you. Recognize your fear of traffic, feel it, and refuse to do all the things you usually do to try and make yourself safe. Be unsafe, afraid, and let it pulse through you. This is how you finish repressed fear. It will be nice for your husband too. A. B.

Dear A. B.

Thank you, I'm going to try it! G. O.

Dear A. B.

Experimented with this over the weekend. Did pretty well! So the key is to let the fear in and just let it pass through you? I kept my mouth shut 99.9% of the time and just let him drive.

Regarding repressed fear- I have always heard that the 1st 4 years of life are the most important. Do the later childhood years still count? That's when I was bullied the most-elementary school yrs., had the worst times with my mother-ran away from home hitch hiking several hundred miles at 14. Also, do we repress fear from events during adulthood? When I worked in a hospital

4 years ago I witnessed much death, destruction & trauma. It was my job as an advocate to offer support to the suffering & their loved ones. I loved my work & was good at it, but could I have repressed fear from seeing the things I saw? Could that still be with me today? Does it matter, as I work to deal with repressed fear that I KNOW the source? Or, should I just accept that it's there & move on? The key seems to be to let myself feel it, don't mask it, yes? Thanks, G. O.

Dear G.O.

The fears from childhood are more traumatic because, as a child, you are more helpless to do anything about your fears by yourself. If you don’t have a wise parent figure to help you through your fears by anticipating them for you and suggesting coping mechanisms then you have to repress the fear—hide it from yourself so you don’t feel the pain of it. We have all gotten so good at repression that we forget that fear really hurts. But that’s also how we have gotten more angry at others as a way to repress our fear. Remember, blame is the way we avoid fear. You probably blame your husband for inconsiderate driving, right?

Sometimes you can find out about your child’s fears and, at the same time, see that they have already handled them by themselves. For instance my four-year old told me once that “there are lions hiding in the dark” when he walks down the hallway to his bedroom at night. I asked him if he was afraid of the lions, thinking to help him with his fear. But he had already handled his imaginary fear with an imaginary “fix”. He said he wasn’t afraid of the lions due to the fact that “bad lions never bite him because laughing lions like him.”

And yes, you keep repressing fear all your life, even as an adult, if you don’t handle it as it comes up. But it doesn’t matter when or where you repressed the fear, the way to release it is the same. Start noticing when you are afraid, and start feeling the fear. That’s it. Simple, but very hard to do because fear is, by its nature, frightening, and painful.

And facing fear is hard to do because, first, if you don’t know what fear feels like you will have trouble catching yourself being afraid. Second, you have been used to putting out your fear on others in the way of blame and it is very quick to switch from from fear to blame. Sometimes you can catch your own fear by checking out your own blaming and turning from the object or person you are blaming back to what you are feeling. Underneath any kind of blame you will detect your own fear.

A. B. Curtiss